When the revolution comes, and the Made In Chelsea set discover their stock options are worthless and their castles and mews houses are on fire, it’s the Geordie Shore gang who will triumph, leading the fray in a storm of sweaty fornication and bare-knuckle fighting. We know that if we gave this lot a bale of St Tropez linen, they’d immediately throw up on it. And that is why we love them. But have they grown up and cleaned up, over the summer? Let’s find out. (Don’t, er, put money on it, or anything.)
Charlotte is so excited to be reunited with Holly that she runs around the house in a dressing gown. She could style it out, or more likely, the salesperson said ‘this is an open fronted, lightweight, quilted coat – you’ll be the envy of your friends in flannel!’ but she looks like she ought to accessorise with cat slippers, a mug of Horlicks and a striped cap. Marnie is super excited about being reunited with Aaron, but not so excited that she can speed up her immaculate packing. The contents of her suitcase are a wet dream come true for the sort of people who mutter ‘Say what you like about Mussolini, but he made the trains run on time.’ And James is a day late, but this doesn’t really sink in until the fifth person says ‘Where’s James?’ and we vaguely remember there was some new dude in the last series who said little and occasionally wore a hat. Or not.
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Vicky has new hair, and a new job. She’s blonde, and she’s the boss – the mysterious leader Anna has taken her out to lunch, and for once she’s getting a promotion, not a bollocking. It takes Vicky exactly four seconds to go mad with power. As Holly says ‘She’s like Margaret Thatcher, only less dead.’ But what team is Vicky leading? The tash part team, of course! Can she get any work out of them? Aaron has thrown a cat among the horny, excitable pigeons by dropping the g(irlfriend) bomb on Marnie, and Gaz is making fun of Charlotte’s hairy muff. Oh, grow up Gaz! Have your balls dropped yet? If they have, we bet there’s no hair on them.
Vicky leads the group in a professional engagement. ‘Watching people eat hotdogs out of tits and arsecracks sounds so wrong, but it’s so right!’ Erm, you said it, Gaz! The night ends with Vicky leading Charlotte in the Sex Positions ‘game’. Can’t wait to crack that one out at Christmas. Back at the ranch, Holly is also playing the Sex Positions ‘game’. ‘I could draw any one of these boys’ penises from memory,’ she muses, gazing upon her housemates. Eat your heart out, Neil Buchanan.
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There’s a brief food fight before bed, and then our friends are planning their next night. Kyle, who has looked at a child’s picture of the sun and thought ‘Now, that is the exact colour I want my hair,’ sprays his back with deodorant in preparation. If you’re watching and think this is weird, feel bad. Your back is smellier than Kyle’s. The tashing gets out of hand and Aaron gets the number of a woman Scotty T has already kissed. It’s hard to tell who’s more cross, Scotty T or Marnie. Aaron seems to think he’s single until Marnie agrees to penetrative sex, and can’t understand what the fuss is about. He agrees to behave, then gives his number to another woman while he’s boxing, or cage fighting, or doing something that necessitates the wearing of tie dye leggings.
He manages to make it up with Marnie by not telling her this, and they have two minutes of romantic bliss before Scotty T tells her, to get his own back on Aaron, and Marnie promptly flings a drink in his face. I guess these guys aren’t so different from the Chelsea crowd after all.
Ultimately, we have to agree with Vicky. She’s grown up, but the show hasn’t, However, that’s no bad thing. On winter evenings, going out in heels and licking people’s faces is a bit of an effort – but as long as the Geordie Shore stars are as immature as ever, we get to do it vicariously. Still, when it gets really chilly, a rousing game of Sex Positions will probably warm me up.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.