So, just what do first year students in the UK really get up to? It’s been a couple of years since I graduated, and as I settle down in front of The Secret Life Of Students I’m expecting to hear about sex acts that seem biologically impossible, meals that contain less than one ingredient new illegal drugs that make you so high that an extra class has been invented, like in Year Nine when some of the kids at school were so nerdily ace at Maths they had to create an extra top set called 1A.
But instead the students of the UK seem sweet, polite, conscientious and adorably earnest in their choice of chat up lines. For example, ‘WHERE ARE YOU FROM, HAMPSHIRE? I’VE NEVER BEEN TO HAMPSHIRE EVER!’
‘NOT PORTSMOUTH OR SOUTHAMPTON? I’M NOT FROM SOUTHAMPTON.’
‘WHERE ARE YOU FROM?’
‘A TOWN NEAR BASINGSTOKE!’
The Hampshire dweller in question is called Jack, a physics undergrad who is heartbreakingly pretty (‘I’ll leave my hood up, because I do appreciate the hair’) but, as Cher Horowitz would put it, hymenally challenged. As in, he’s never touched a hymen with his willy. Or a plain old vulva, for that matter.
Jack isn’t short of offers, and his pals aren’t sure why he can’t quite manage to seal the deal. After all, he is top at bantz - a sample Whatsapp message just says ‘ass and titties, ass ass and tittles’, and he laughs at literal shit. His Dad might have something to do with it. ‘Have you used that condom I sent? In other words you avent ha ha ha fool’. It’s Rudyard Kipling’s If with prophylactics.
Jack is no closer to losing his virginity. But he doesn’t care. He’s waiting for a girlfriend, and he might be the only person on the planet who won’t put out just because Channel Four has pointed a camera at him
After many ‘nights out with the physics lads’, Jack is no closer to losing his virginity. But he doesn’t care. He’s waiting for a girlfriend, and he might be the only person on the planet who won’t put out just because Channel Four has pointed a camera at him. He has pulled a 21 year old, which is something you’re only allowed to brag about when you’re 18, otherwise it’s creepy. And he’s written ‘physics’ on his arm, to be cool. He’s effectively the opposite of everyone on Geordie Shore, and it’s hard not to love him a little bit for that.
Possibly more physically but less emotionally advanced is Gemma. We’re not sure what Gemma is studying, because the only thing we ever see her reading is texts from her boyfriend Ben. She’s gone back to see Ben every weekend. ‘Ben puts spaces between his kisses so it looks like there’s more. Then I have to do more,’ she explains. She does not explain how she continues to live, and has not accidentally drowned in a stream of vomit produced by a person who has been forced to listen to her relationship chat. To be fair, Ben is very poorly, and suffers from seizures, but his condition seems secondary to Gemma’s reaction to it. ‘You should have texted me, I was up all night worrying and crying,’ she tells him, over a text, after he’d been a bit quiet for 12 hours. Gemma eventually considers leaving altogether to be with Ben, which her Mum would support, albeit grudgingly and through gritted teeth. Gemma, don’t go back to Gloucester! You’ll spend the rest of your days listening to vegetables being chopped passive aggressively.
They’re housemates who can’t stop texting each other, even though a) Michael has a girlfriend at home and b) They are never more than a twenty minute walk from each other
The only people who get properly saucy are Michael and Helen. They’re housemates who can’t stop texting each other, even though a) Michael has a girlfriend at home and b) They are never more than a twenty minute walk from each other, and they really don’t need to do everything on their iPhones. After rumours of their shagging circulate, they decide they might as well get round to it - which leads to a tense, gossipy few days in which everyone holds their breath and waits for Michael to call his girlfriend. Helen gets called a homewrecker, which is hilarious because it’s clear that no-one in this love triangle has any domestic skills and has so much as pulled out an Ikea Ektorp sofa bed.
Helen grumbles ‘It’s always dangerous liking people’ but issues Michael with an ultimatum, and he dumps the girl at home for her. Hurrah! But when they go out with their pals, they get abandoned in town because when they’re a proper couple, there’s no real gossip to be had and everyone finds them quite boring. Boooo! Still, Helen reckons it’s ‘mainly lust’, but she’s reluctant to say she loves him ‘out loud’. It takes them a week to get to ‘controversial shag’ to ‘girlfriend and boyfriend,’ which is an adorably earnest conversion rate. I know people who have been sleeping with the same person for over a year and still don’t know whether they’re going out.
According to this show, if students do have any secrets, it’s that they’re actually quite sorted. They’re pretty focused on getting the most out of their degree - Jack and Helen are already on course for firsts - they think before they have sex, and when they get wild all they need is a marker pen and a box of wine. If anyone thinks the nation’s youth is in the middle of a moral crises, this is going to make them feel pretty relieved.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.