We’ve had word this week from an array of brilliant tabloids that Robert Pattinson and FKA Twigs – you know, the singer and dancer who makes really eerie trip-hop soul music, the type of thing that you’d hear from Bat For Lashes and Aaliyah’s love child? – are dating.
Rob and Tahliah (that’s her real name, ‘Twigs’ is her nickname, owing to the way her bones click) were photographed last week together in Hollywood along with Tom Sturridge. One website didn’t get who she was, but did notice that she was a ‘a lovely female friend’ and that ‘though she did not appear to be joined by any friends at the moment, Robert's friend kept busy thanks to her handy phone’. Then, there were the quotes, from a ‘friend’, given to *The Sun *: ‘It’s the real deal between Rob and Tahliah. They had been able to keep their relationship secret until recently, but they’re already smitten. He’s been taking her on dates for the last month or so, and has even flown her out to stay with him in New York. He also loves going to her gigs.'
‘The main thing for Tahliah is that the relationship remains low key. She wants to be known for her music, not just as “Robert Pattinson’s girlfriend”. She’s worried about being bogged down by constant comparisons to Kristen.’
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Oh, about Kristen – who split from Rob way back in 2012 – 'hates his new girlfriend,' according to certain sites we won't link to because, well, come on.
We’re not sure if the new relationship is for real –though something tells the coupling is too bizarre to not be true – but let’s entertain the idea that it is totally true and look into our imaginary crystal ball for some premonitions:
Where would they go out on a date night?
Twigs lives in east London, whereas Rob is from west London, so they might have to settle halfway in a swanky Mayfair restaurant where they serve champagne from glasses made out of the shape of Kate Moss’s left tit. Or, they might find somewhere a bit less celebby and a bit more secluded, our bet’s on a dark dingey south London club where you can hide away from prying eyes and basic hygiene.
What would their nickname be?
Every celebrity couple worth its salt has a celebrity nickname, so what would Robert and Tahliah’s be? Twigs-Light? R-Twigs? Twig-Patts? Twats? The jury’s still out, but for lols’ sake, the last is our favourite.
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How long would they go out for?
Totally long enough for whatever nickname is bestowed upon them to become a household name. Then they’d definitely break up due to creative differences because Twigs is totally out there and experimental with what she does, whereas Rob is still, maybe forever, tied to the legacy of the Twilight franchise. It’s the equivalent of Ryan Gosling (he was in The Disney Club) going out with Grimes or something.
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Would they ever talk about each other in interviews?
Absolutely not. Rob’s intensely private, having only just opened up about KStew’s 2012 affair with Rupert Sanders in the past couple of months. And as for Twigs? Coming from XL, the same record label as limelight-shirkers The xx and Adele, it’s unlikely she’ll ever blab about Rob. Plus, with her own fascinating career to talk about, we’d hope she wouldn’t always be asked about him in interviews.
Does that mean…?
Yep, that means that unless we get those photos of them smooching each other’s faces off, it’s unlikely that we’ll ever know whether they actually are a couple or not. Here’s hoping, right?
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Picture: Getty
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.