Made In Chelsea 15.3: Who Will Biscuits Pick? Will James’ Donuts Do The Trick? And Does Liv Have The Ick?

The retail experience can fill us with all sorts of funny feelings, and they’re not always expected or logical. Most shops are set up to make us believe that we could be our best, brightest, most powerful selves if we spend £129.99 on a cubic zirconium ear cuff, but veteran shoppers know that our reactions and emotions require some serious unpacking.

For example, and I’m sure she won’t mind me telling you – my Mum cannot be in a bookshop for more than ten minutes without desperately, urgently needing to go for a poo. Whenever I’m in a hardware shop, I have a strange and extreme craving for beans on toast. I have a friend who cannot visit a branch of Maplin without bursting into tears, although I think this is down to a semi repressed memory rather than the effect of discounted electronics upon her psyche. And so it is in on Made In Chelsea.

When any cast member visits a handbag shop, they are filled with an urge to unburden themselves of some controversial home truths. The purses are filled with secrets. Perhaps people see the pretend padlocks and zipped up pockets and subconsciously sense a safe space for locking down their darkest and dirtiest thoughts. However, this always ends badly. The handbags might keep schtum, but the other shoppers will tell everyone. So when Habbs takes Frankie to look at this season’s satchels and reveals that Digby really hates her, we know we’re staring down the barrel of something that’s going to snowball more alarmingly than The Beast From The East.

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Liv bumps into Frankie and Habbs and demands to know why Frankie didn’t make Digby’s birthday bash. Frankie tells Liv what she’s heard, inferring that it’s quite hard to pop to Clinton’s and pick up a card that says ‘Wishing you many substandard returns of the day, asshole!’ Liv clearly knows something is up because she’s come dressed to bury someone, wearing short gloves and sunglasses. She looks as though she’s coming from an unsuccessful audition with Luc Besson for a new musical with dancing assassins. ‘I was just filling her in, I don’t want to get involved!’ pleads Habbs. Yeah, yeah. And Donald Trump was asking Stormy Daniels about where to buy the best golf balls.

Melody and Clementine are bonding over Biscuits. They should be wallowing in the fact that they’ve both made him look worse than a home perm on a comb-over, but Melody is fretting about Biscuits’ bewildering ability to pack the first six months of a relationship into half an hour. ‘When we first met, I saw he’d been messaging people saying “She’s my South African wife!”’ wails Melody. Dude, surely that set off some serial alarm bells? Did you not immediately Google image search his picture with the words ‘serial bigamist’?

Melody has spotted a girl all over his social media, just as Biscuits is getting a call about a new girl he’s been seeing. ‘I want to keep it a bit private, a bit secret,’ says Biscuits, within the earshot of Boulle, 30 people eating brunch, and a full camera crew. Boulle clearly thinks Biscuits is being ridiculous – and it takes some doing to be the solemn, serious arbiter of good sense when you’re the one drinking from a glass handled jam jar.

Digby tells Louise, Mytton and Liv that he ‘fucking hates Frankie!’ before skipping off to an appointment, and leaving Liv to tell Louise and Mytton that after about three days of cohabiting, she’s starting to find Digby quite irritating – and the Frankie situation might be the last straw. As Mytton himself once said, ‘I don’t know why people keep telling me things!’ He’s a human bag of pop rocks, and we all know he’s going to explode into a foam fountain of bitchy gossip the second someone else’s saliva lands on him.

Meanwhile Mimi is planning a raunchy pyjama party, and while most of us would be worrying about catering, or how to hire a venue which will let you wear slippers in the smoking area, she’s gone straight to La Perla so that Toff, Sam Prince and James Taylor can help her pick out some sexy scanties. ‘I almost have a boyfriend, so you can’t be doing this!’ she says as the boys admire her corseted breasts. Mimi, you have invited the thirstiest men in Chelsea to come and watch you try on the contents of an erotic knicker shop. You might as well streak along the King’s Road with a vajazzle that reads ‘I’M SHY!’ Mytton, who needs to spill his gossip like a potty trained toddler needs to pee when they’re in the back of a car and 70 miles from the nearest service station, alights on Habbs. ‘Liv’s got the ick!’ Habbs says triumphantly, until I feel moved to contact the originator of the phrase, Olivia from Love Island, and tell her to invoice Habbs for fifty quid.

Habbs tells Frankie who immediately has a run in with Digby. ‘I would never say I hate you, I have better things to do,’ he claims. So why would Habbs tell Frankie that he did. ‘She has nothing better to do,’. Urghhh, Digby is more judgemental about how other people still spend their leisuretime than Netflix with their ‘are you still watching’? reminder. Frankie comes up with the glorious phrase, ‘closet wanker’, which, if taken literally, will presumably get him uninvited to the sexy pyjama party. Biscuits bumps into Melody and tries to make amends. ‘I’ve said to you a million times that I’m sorry.’ Actually, according to Melody, that time was the first. Biscuits then describes his new, super secret, tell-no-one girl Ell as ‘literally incredible’. My friend, neither of those words mean what you think they mean.

James Taylor decides that he fancies Toff, and turns up at her house with her lost phone case, and a box of donuts. Toff tries to look pleased to see James, and then looks genuinely delighted when she spots the donuts. Liv remains in assassin mode, and goes to Frankie’s house to shout at her for scaring off Digby – then has a big weepy chat with Digby, promising him their love is deep and ick-less. Thank goodness for that. Hopefully this is the end of Digby slagging off Frankie. I might post him a five thousand piece jigsaw of Corfe Castle, just to make sure that he definitely has better things to do.

Finally, it’s time for Mimi’s sexy party! It’s wild, it’s weird, and it’s no place for anyone who relies on hypoallergenic bed linen. Feathers abound! Ben finally declares his intention to make it serious with Mimi, and she responds with a squeal. ‘Yay! You’re my first boyfriend!’ which sort of stamps their relationship with an expiration point before it has begun – and makes poor Ben sound vaguely collectible. Gotta catch ‘em all!

Digby, in his very best BHS pyjamas, gives Liv the benefit of his latest carefully researched theory. Frankie is ‘just jealous’ and ‘probably fancies me’. Sure, Digby. How is that jigsaw coming along? James Taylor tells Toff he likes her, adding ‘my game is rubbish at the moment’ and he can’t tell if she’s into him. James – in fact, this goes out to the men of Chelsea and beyond – if a woman likes you, she will let you know. It won’t be ambiguous. If you’re not sure, it’s probably a no. Toff suggests a non-committal dinner, and manages to acquit herself with great grace for someone who is conducting a conversation while sat in a a bath. Louise and Melody try to shame an unrepentant Biscuits, who skips off to meet the mysterious Ell – a woman he likes a lot, yet not quite enough to make him change out of his pyjamas before dinner.

Hero of the week

I think it has to be Louise, for taking on the thankless task of playing Jiminy Cricket to Biscuits’ Pinocchio. Toff gets a special mention for treating James Taylor with a kindness that compensates for her lack of enthusiasm and for being the best dressed at the pyjama party. That nightgown! I’ve already bought three approximations of it from Zara.

Villain of the week

Let’s give it to Mytton, the loose lipped architect of everyone’s distress, Iago in a Reiss bomber jacket. If it wasn’t for Mytton, Liv and Frankie might be friends again. But then, if it wasn’t for Mytton there might not be a plot or programme, so I guess there’s lots to be grateful for.

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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.