Porn star Belle Knox has admitted, quite sadly, that she thinks of her mum while she’s acting on porn sets – and we’re taking it as a bit of a wake-up call. If you don’t quite remember, Belle, real name Miriam Weeks, is earning her college tuition fees by appearing in adult movies. A few months ago, the 18-year-old’s co-students at Duke University tried to shame her by ‘outing’ her as a porn star.
However, we were pretty cool with her. Not that it’s particuarly aspirational to have sex on camera for money, but we were cool with the idea she’d found a way to get by financially. It was her decision to do it that way and she was happy. Plus, she was pretty brave in the face of all those other students trying to make her feel like shit.
But this clip from behind-the-scenes dcumentary Becoming Belle Knox about her life has made us re-think our stance – notably, the bit where she breaks down in tears thinking about her mum.
If you value your job/just don’t have time to watch it, here’s what happens. Miriam explains how working in porn has changed her: ‘The [sex] industry has a way of making you very cynical and very bitter. In a way I’ve started to become kind of a bit bitter and a bit cynical. I think my experiences have aged me. I don’t have the mind of an 18-year-old. I have the emotional baggage of someone much, much older than me.’
It’s sad enough, but if you’re working a job aged 18, on top of a degree, you’re likely to feel a bit drained, right? She then explains the physical duress of working in porn. ‘You have sex with guys with big dicks all the time then you get tears in your vagina… it’s not just like a normal 20 minute… you have sex for hours on end.’
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However, she then counters this by saying: ‘People are probably going to get mad at me and say I’m being exploited. But porn is like any other job and it’s labour and liking it is irrelevant.’ We might not be able to identify but we understand – there are plenty of jobs involving strenuous physical exercise that result in pain, right? Once again, her job is her choice.
However, we were jolted by her re-telling of times she’s not been in control – she got bullied by other porn stars for being a ‘brat’ because she couldn’t bear being on a porn shoot with a 50-year-old man. Her agent had set her up for the shoot but hadn’t told her who she would be starring with, and once she got there, she couldn’t leave, otherwise she would have to forfeit $300 as a ‘kill fee’ and ‘the director would hate me.’ So she did the shoot ‘out of professionalism’ but said: ‘I felt like crying throughout the entire scene and afterwards I was really upset.’
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She then breaks down in tears, saying: ‘I just thought of my mom, who was always there for me and always protected me… I think about my mom a lot when I do porn scenes. Just how sad she would be that her little daughter was doing this. I’m so homesick, right now, all the fucking time I’m homesick.’
Although she explains that her job is just like any other job and says: 'My parents gave me a really great work ethic, my dad travelled all the time to make money’ – there is something pretty fucked up about the fact she spends so much of her time having sex thinking about how upset her mum is.
We’re going to set aside a little time tonight to watch the documentary in full, but we can’t say happy we’ll feel after it.
You might also be interested in:
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** Follow Sophie on Twitter @sophwilkinson**
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.