Wetherspoons. Its like fancying Justin Bieber. You know its bad, he sings with his eyes closed and is at least three years younger than you, yet you keep playing his Live Lounge Video and cant help but imagine what your children might look like. We live in a wild world, don’t be too hard on your self. Grab yourself a reasonably price drink, crank up the 2016 hit ‘Where r u Now’ and embrace it.
Wetherspoon’s has been there with you from when you were an awkward teenager, wearing high heels in the attempt to look like an adult, to now; you wearing socks and sliders wishing you could drown all your adult responsibility. From the first time you ventured into one with a fake ID, to committee meetings in the loos and who knows what in the future: Wetherspoons has been with you as you’ve attempted to tackle this thing called life. Perhaps you took it for granted, but now you’re no longer living at home and trying to make it work you realize just how much it was doing for you all along.
It greets you at 8pm on a Friday with an ice-cold beverage. It consoles you in your hungover despair at 1pm on Sunday afternoon with a fry up. It’s where it all begins and for some it's where it ends quite abruptly. Nothing beats getting in that first round (for under a tenner) and the initial catching up with friends after a long week at work. Have you ever tried a porn star martini from a plastic jug? No? Coming right up. New friends are made in the toilets, lipstick is applied in the loos, by which point you’ve had enough drinks to seriously believe that you can over line them just like Kylie Jenner. This place makes you feel that anything is possible. The boy who hasn’t text you back in weeks is drunk-called. And, then, follows the inevitable (bad) decision to go to a club. It all takes place within the humble and warm embrace of a J D Wetherspoons.
Despite Wetherspoons’ support for Brexit, which they declared on custom made beer mats, we can’t give up on it. Why? Wetherspoons is cheap, really cheap. Perhaps there’s an irony here: a generation who, on the whole wanted to remain in the EU embroiled in a love affair with the only Brexiteer pub chain because, let’s face it, we can’t really afford to drink anywhere else. Especially not in London.
A double Vodka tonic costs me £3.57 at my local Spoons. After that solemn weekend in June we did all try and go to other establishments but it was hard to find Prosecco for £10.49 anywhere else. The carpet might be a nasty shade of 70s throw back, and Yes Pia Mia’s ‘Do It Again’ is always on the TV (which actually, after 4 glasses Rose becomes an alright song) but you cant deny the Wetherspoons appeal.
Kitsch aside, there’s something else about Wetherspoons which nowhere else has. Take any one of their pubs: all of life is there. From the old guy who’s been nursing his pint since 11am, to students and young proffessionals or families wanting an affordable meal out. It caters for everyone, all are welcome. People will always sneer at Wetherspoon’s, but guess what Wetherspoons gives zero shits.
For the uninitiated I’m going to take you on a tour of some of London’s most popular Wetherspoons, assessing the general vibe, what’s hot, what’s not and, most importantly, telling you where the price is right.
I will kick things off at my very own local branch:
The Kentish Drovers on Peckham High Street.
Seating and ambience
Friday night and it's heaving! Lucky for us we scored a lovely corner booth with a very large table. This is great for big groups, comfortable and with easy access to the bar. Something that has always struck me about this Whetherspoons is its excellent acoustics, despite the UK top 40 always playing loudly, you could actually have a quiet, discreet or even tender conversation with someone without having to shout. Nothing worse than being in a noisy pub and just replying ‘yes’ to a question you didn’t hear.
****4 stars
Boozing value
My friend and I hit the bar, we brought a bottle of prosecco and two jäger bombs. This came to a grand total of £15.50. Pretty amazing really. The prosecco was decent. The Jäger bombs were as you would expect: tangy aniseed followed by the feeling of a double Pro Plus drop.
*****5 stars
Vibe
At the bar I had a little chat with the manager, he’s being managing Peckham spoons for 5 years. He was wearing a little camera around his neck that he could start recording at anytime should anything kick off. I asked if things often kicked off, he said ‘yes, but generally most people are here to have a nice time’. He wasn’t wrong, we were having a lovely time!
The vibe in the Kentish Drovers is great. There are lots of young people out to have a good time with friends. There’s also the locals, the guys I see in here every weekend. It is always guys… why is it always guys? anyway these men are part of the furniture and totally harmless, unless you get chatting to one of them in the smoking area and find your self on the receiving end of a 20 minute rant about the road works on commercial way.
The staff are super friendly and they seemed like they were also having a good time. They might not have been, I don’t know for sure, but they were very good at convincing me otherwise.
*****3 stars **
Food
After enjoying our second bottle of Prosecco we began to feel a bit peckish. The food menu is extensive. Given their political stance, one might assume the menu would consist of fish and chips and pork pies. Never assume! It’s got everything ranging from hearty Italian to fiery Mexican dishes. A true culinary cultural melting pot.
I ordered some cheesy chips, a classic pub snack. I was a little taken aback by the price - £3.95 for cheesy chips! That’s more expensive that a double vodka tonic. It seemed as though someone else had shared my outrage, when I went to review the toilets I stumbled upon a Greggs sandwich wrapper in the basin of the female toilets. Perhaps I will also bring a packed lunch next time.
*** 1 star**
Carpet
The carpet was very sticky. The five-second rule would certainly not apply in this establishment.
***1 star **
Toilets
These were very average, nothing to write home about. However the citrus smelling hand soap is a nice touch. Also a floor length mirror, this is always appreciated, something to admire my DIY fake tan in.
****2 stars **
Other facilities you should know about
They have this water dispenser with lemons in it on the bar which feels somewhat out of place. Am I in a spa or a dermatology clinic? No. imagine Mary Berry in a GABA rave…. Exactly. Its unsettling.
There is also an outdoor area, it’s not amazing but fully functional. It’s got everything you would expect: chairs, tables, ashtrays and laminated menus designed to endure bad weather and spillages.
*****3 stars **
Next up:
The Fox on The Hill in Camberwell
This pub is unreal. It’s a 5 minute walk from the Overground, after 2 minutes you feel like you’re at a National Trust stately home! Granted the Argos version of a stately home; lots of fake wood and plastic faux stained glass but, none the less, impressive. I literally couldn’t believe I was in Zone 2.
Seating and ambiance
Lots and lots of tables and booths here, it would be a good place to take your parents or grandparents if they came to visit. The lack of music was a bit of a buzz kill, apparently it has something to do with a cheaper license, so I guess that means cheaper booze? I'm totally fine with the sounds of my own thoughts if it does!
***** 3stars **
Boozing value
I ordered a rum and ginger beer, which cost me £2.80. V reasonable.
******* 5 stars **
Vibe
The vibe here is mellow and family-orientated. We sat opposite two people on what looked like a date. Some might say Wetherspoon’s is a bit naff for a date. I beg to differ; I think the Fox on The Hill is a perfect date spot. There is a diverse range of seating options meaning that regardless of whether you want to sit opposite or alongside your date, there’s an option for you. The toilets are also really far away, so your date won’t think it’s weird when you’ve been gone for 15 minutes because you wanted to phone a friend.
*******5 stars **
Food
I didn’t order food myself but I did watch the date night opposite tucking in to some steak and chips. It looked alright and they had a large selection of sauces. I also spotted a special menu selection for people with allergies or food intolerances. I mean how 2016 is that? Good work Wetherspoon’s.
****4 stars
Carpet
Sometimes Wetherspoons carpets are so bad, they verge on being amazing. This one was just really bad.
****2 stars **
Toilets
Nice and clean with posh pressure hand dryer. No need for a jeans rub down here.
****4 stars
Other facilities
Very large outdoor area, equipped with benches, play pen, parasols and dog water bowl. Ideal if you have a dog, or just like cooing over other peoples dogs.
*****5 stars
Baxter's Court, Hackney
Another day another Spoons. This evening I will be hitting up Baxter’s Court in Hackney. This joint is in the heart of Hackney, surrounded by booguee resturants and cocktail bars, One might question the legitimacy of a spoons in this area now. Damn those people! Baxtors isn’t intimidated by Mixology or bespoke furniture! It stands proudly in the middle of the high street framed by some charming petunias in baskets, warmly welcoming the people of Hackney. Without any hesitation, in I go.
Seating and ambiance
Entering Baxter’s court you find yourself in a rather peculiar ‘am I inside or am I outside’ space. Its an outdoor space but with four walls, large plants and no smoking. Not totally sure how I felt about it. Baxtor’s court was playing with my senses and I hadn’t even got a drink yet.
Seating was good here, again plenty of seating options; chairs, booths, bar stools, benches. I’m noticing this is a bit of a theme at Wetherspoons. I did feel like maybe they were cramming too many chairs round tables, its like god forbid anyone should ever have to stand in a Wetherspoons ever! This is no way a bad thing, sitting down is great and options are the spice of life, right?
*******5 stars **
Boozing value
I hit the bar and purchased a pint of Brooklyn Larger and a pint of lime soda. Clutching my ten pound note ready to pay, I quickly learnt I could actually pay with a fiver and still have change! Our drinks came to a modest £4.35. This is obviously not my first time in a Wetherspoon’s but still I’m flabbergasted every time.
*****5 stars
Vibe
There were solid vibes here on a sunny Wednesday night. We sat outside next to a group of guys on the first leg of their night out. They had all just had a curry and where now smashing back the pints, which is hard not to when they are prices so very reasonably. To the other side of us was a young family with grandparents having a meal out. I often find myself watching families out to dinner and thinking ‘poor you’; your kid has redecorated the restaurant with his baked beans, while continuing to strangle his sister with a napkin, everyone in the restaurant is passing judgment and assuming you are basically terrible parents. This doesn’t seem to happen in Wetherspoon’s, its so big a spacious, no one gives a shit if your kid is doing a Frozen rendition for the eighth time.
*******5 stars **
Food
I tried to order fish and chips but they had run out. I then asked if I could have a hot chocolate and told they also couldn’t do that at this time. Bit of a bummer.
Very impressive condiment selection. They clearly know their Dijon from their Wholegrain.
****2 stars **
Carpet
Imagine being sat in a sexual health clinic and receiving some really bad results, you slump your head between your knees in utter shame and embarrassment, staring intensely at the carpet hoping it swallows you up.
This would be the carpet staring back at you.
*** 1 star **
Toilets
OOOOOOOOOO MYYYY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD ADHSKJDFHSKJDHFKSJH!!!!!!!!
These toilets were amazing. I have never wanted to move from my table in a pub and set up camp in the toilets until I came here. Think of a roman bath crossed with a bridal shop fitting room: that’s Baxtor’s court ladies room. Huge mirrors, loads of loos, hand dryers for days and a circular sofa marrying everything together. I was so annoyed that I had come here with a boy not a girl. If one of my girl friends had been here we would have had a wale of a time. Instead I took lone selfie’s in the giant mirror.
*******5 stars (I would award more if I could) **
Other facilities
Lovely outdoor terrace area with exotic looking plants, this was great on a summers evening, really puts the pineapple in your Pinacolada (FYI Wetherspoons don’t actually do pinacolada’s but do have an extensive range of tropical based drinks)
******4 stars **
My tour de spoon’s has in no way been life affirming or challenging, but has been really enjoyable. I have discovered some great drinking spots in London. The thing that struck me the most about visiting these pubs is the diverse group of people all drinking under the same roof. Snobbery and pretence does not exist in Wetherspoon’s; which actually is really refreshing. It is comfortable and inoffensive (- their views on Europe). Everyone is there to have a good time and at a reasonable price.
Cheers to that!
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.