At this time of year everywhere you look happy families and couples laugh at you through TV screens, they beam down from billboards, smile via sitcoms and tell you that Christmas is all about togetherness. However, like Valentine’s Day, for the single among us (but arguably worse) Christmas can be an impossibly difficult time of year if you have a difficult relationship with your family.
Sarah* 27 has a difficult relationship with her family. Her father is an alcoholic who has been hospitalised because of his drinking on several occasions and her parents are recently separated which, she explains, has caused its own difficulties. In recent years she has put distance between herself and the drama that going home entails. ‘Christmas has been particularly difficult’ she says ‘because I’ve found that people don’t approve of my decision not to go home, my grandmother said I was selfish and my younger sister is so clearly upset’.
When even world wars were stopped on Christmas Day, it’s easy to see understand how Sarah feels. The message, from all around in December, is that we are supposed to put our differences with people aside and observe a ceasefire. Even if you don’t like your parents Christmas, of all the days of the year, is the time to swallow it.
However, as Sarah’s situation is testament to, there’s a big difference between wanting to avoid your boozy and ever so slightly racist uncle who voted to leave the EU or swerve your mum nagging you about ‘getting a real job’ and having a seriously problematic family life.
As someone who has had their own problems with family, I know how difficult Christmas can be. There is a sense that even when you are a grown up adult child (as I am at 29 years-old) that you have a duty to be with your family at Christmas. If you do not do this then, convention says, there is something wrong with you. After all, what sort of child would not want to go home at Christmas?! Breaking with that tradition can be difficult, as Sarah has also found, because you face judgement from everyone around you at the same time as having to deal with your own pain and inner turmoil.
Last year, I opted not to spend Christmas with my family for myriad reasons. I know it was the right thing to do because, a year on, by taking time apart we have managed to repair our relationships. I would argue that by having a chance to miss each other and see what was at stake, we are actually a stronger and happier family unit than we ever were. That doesn’t mean it was easy.
On Christmas Eve I was fine but, on Christmas morning I woke up in someone else’s home with someone else’s family and fell to bits. ‘Not being with your family on Christmas Day is really dislocating’ Sarah says, ‘even if the patterns you have at home are bad, they’re familiar and that in itself is comforting’. This really strikes a chord with me, it was only by being away from my family that at Christmas that I was able to really see how bad the last few Christmases had been. When you take yourself away from stress, shouting and arguing everything suddenly feels very quiet and you’re forced to listen to your own thoughts.
‘Spending Christmases with boyfriends and friends’ Sarah says ‘I’ve seen how many other ways there are of being together as a family. It’s given me hope and helped me to realise that Christmases, birthdays or other family events don’t have to be fraught, upsetting and emotionally bruising. They can be joy-filled…I know…’ she pauses ‘I know that sounds ridiculous but if you’ve never had it, you don’t really believe it exists’.
There is, surprisingly, very little information online for people who can’t or don’t want to go home at Christmas. I found this out the hard way last year and think, in part, it is because there is shame and stigma attached to having a family but not wanting to see them over the festive period. I asked Relate counsellor Denise Knowles what advice she would give to anyone in that position?
‘At Christmas you may feel under pressure from other family members to spend time with the person [who you don’t want to see]’ she explains, ‘but ask yourself if you’re putting everyone else’s feelings before your own. If you try to ignore your feelings you may come across as disingenuous or resentful’. Indeed, you could also be putting yourself in a position that is going to have a serious impact on your own wellbeing long term. ‘You don’t need to see someone in your family just because it’s Christmas’ Denise adds, ‘try not to feel guilty or ashamed about it. Be honest with yourself and be kind to yourself’.
The truth, despite what a society which puts traditional nuclear families at its core would imply, is that just as you won’t get on with everyone you meet throughout your life, you might not always be able to have a healthy relationship with your family. This could be for many, many reasons from divorce to addiction, abusive behaviour and mental health problems. At Christmas, Denise says, ‘it can feel like there is an added pressure to make amends. It’s really important to be honest with yourself about your true feelings…if you don’t feel like there’s a way forward then it’s probably best to leave it for the time being.’
‘I’m not saying I’ll never go home’ Sarah says, ‘but I am saying that, right now, I need the space. I need to put myself first. I don’t want to start another year feeling exhausted, drained and embattled because of my family. Call it selfish, call it unkind…I know that I’m making the best possible choice for my own mental health.’ Similarly, my decision not to go home last year was about self-preservation. I feel fortunate because it enabled me to start a conversation which has meant relationships have been salvaged, but I know that won’t be the case for everyone. By focussing on myself and ignoring anyone who said I was ‘selfish’ for doing so, my own self-worth recovered and stopped being completely tied to my family. Now the playing field is more even than it ever has been, a thousand things that had gone unsaid and desperately needed to be said are out in the open and we’re all lighter for it.
I don’t think that anybody’s family is perfect, nobody’s Christmas looks like they do in the adverts or the John Lewis catalogue. However, I really do think that if it isn’t safe or can be very difficult for you to go home, then there is no shame in saying no for as long as you need to. You don’t have to do something just because it involves family, indeed, sometimes that in and of itself is reason enough not to do it.
As playwright Alan Bennett wrote: ‘Every family has a secret and the secret is that it’s not like other families’; there's no such thing as normal and if going home will cause you pain or anguish then there is nothing wrong with saying no for as long as you need to. It's your Christmas too and you have a chance to do things differently.
*names have been changed
**You can find out more about Relate's counselling services **herehere
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Things You Only Know If You Have An Alcoholic Parent At Christmas
Follow Vicky on Twitter @Victoria_Spratt
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.