There’s every other festival in the entire universe and then there is Glastonbury festival. It is the holy grail Jay-Z sang about, the Adele of the 2016 Brit Awards and the 99p Mr Whippy during a scorching Saturday afternoon when we were 9 years old.
Maybe you* finally* have tickets to pop your Glasto-cherry (yay! Don’t forget baby wipes), maybs you wanna indulge in some scrumptious lunchbreak nostalgia that will make the hairs on your arms shoot up or maybe you just don’t want to feel left out in the pub, stewing silently over a shandy, whilst everyone else is name-dropping the Shangri-La.
From the 2017 line-up to what you should wear on your feet - here is our definitive guide to Glasto , which you may want to print out and keep in an A4 plastic wallet.
So, What is Glastonbury Festival?
Glastonbury is the largest greenfield festival in the world. Anyone who has been will either say ‘oh, DEAR GOD THE WALK’ or ‘I have definitely lost half a stone and the cellulite on my outer thighs’ as the festival site is a mighty 900 acres. Going to Glastonbury burns off 53 big macs, it's that big. If you decide to walk around the whole perimeter of the site (maybe you are trying to find your pals) it is a thigh-burning 8.5 mile trek. So, er, don’t lose your pals.
Glasto celebrates diversity. It champions it. From the die-hard-rock-and-rollers to the devoted-life-long-Glasto-go-ers. To Kate Moss to your dear nanna Mildred - anyone is welcome. There are over 100 stages packed with everything from cabaret to crafts to Coldplay and soz for the cliche, but there is something there for everyone. The festival lasts for five days, yet will dominate 83% of all conversations held between May and July. Those five days a year are either the best or worst of your year.
Best – You are there living it up with the rest of 'em, with a feather boa around your neck, a Sainsbury’s basic Vodka in your hands and your legs around some poor reveller in the crowd (not like that) who you have managed to persuade to sit on their shoulders so you have a better view of Foals.
Worst – watching everyone else in the entire universe have fun on TV, whilst you eat your Doritos and dip feeling like you’re going to spontaneously combust with raging FOMO-itus any bloody second.
When is Glastonbury this year?
Wednesday 21nd till Sunday 25th June 2017
Every year, the festival falls on the twenty-something of June (apart from the first year, 1970, which took place on the 19th September).
When did it start?
The festival as we know it today started in 197oand was known by the name ‘Glastonbury Fair’. It was attended by a mere 1,500 people and acts included: Marc Bolan, Keith Christmas, Stackridge, Al Stewart, Quintessence...
Where is Glastonbury Festival held?
Confusingly. not actually in the town Glastonbury, but six miles east at Worthy Farm which is in Pilton, Somerset.
Is Glastonbury Festival every year?
The festival traditionally takes a fallow year every 5 years to give the farm a much-needed break. The poor love. Officials have confirmed in 2018, it will indeed be a fallow year and there are no plans to hold the festival at a different location.
How much does it cost?
Tickets are now sold out, but this year it cost £228 plus a £5 booking fee per ticket. When Glasto first started in 1971, it was free and revelers were given a complimentary pint of milk on arrival. The good ole days your mum was on about.
When do Glastonbury tickets go on sale?
Every Glasto go-er knows the blood bath that is ticket release day. The day of operation is circled in blue biro and your friends have been summoned together via a Whatsapp group. The early morning, the frantic calls, the profuse sweating. Heart pounding. Eyes wide. Frantic prayers to a greater being. For this year's festival, there were 135 000 tickets that went on sale in October, with them all selling out within 30 minutes. Kudos to you if you nabbed yourself a ticket and all, I am not jealous. I like Doritos and dip.
If you didn't get tickets in October, you had ONE last chance to rub shoulders with the kooky characters you meet at Stone Circle - as there is often a ticket resale in April.
Can I still go to Glastonbury this year?
Alas, it is now past April so if you are plodding through life sans ticket, your chances of getting one now are a big fat zero. Unless you became the next Kanye West pretty sharpish or morph into Ed Sheeran, I wouldn’t book that week off of work if I were you, pet.
What is the line up 2017?
Theline-up this year is a good'un. There is everyone from Ed Sheeran to Stormzy to Foo Fighters. A mixed bag some would say. (In fact, open up the words highlighted in blue to check out the line up 2017 in all it's glory. But do it another tab, cos there is a lot more to get through.)
It's a great idea to familiarise yourself with who's playing, so you can properly anticipate who going to provide the soundtrack for when you're passed out in 5 inches of mud on the Saturday afternoon.
Who's headlining Glastonbury festival 2017?
Friday - Radiohead
Saturday - Foo Fighters
Sunday - Ed Sheeran
Who has previously headlined at Glastonbury festival?
2016 - Muse, Adele, Coldplay
2015 - Florence and The Machine, Kanye West, The Who
2014 - Arcade Fire, Metallica, Kasabian
2013 - Arctic Monkeys, The Rolling Stones, Mumford and Sons
2011 - U2, Coldplay, Beyonce
2010 - Gorrilaz, Muse, Stevie Wonder
2009 - Neil Young, Bruce Springsteen, Blur
2008 - Kings of Leo, Jay Z, The Verve
2007 - Arctic Monkeys, The Killers, The Who
2005 - The White Stripes, Coldplay, Basement Jaxx
2004 - Paul McCartney, Oasis, Muse
2003 - R.E.M., Radiohead, Moby
2002 - Coldplay, Rod Stewart, Stereophonics
2000 - David Bowie, Travis, The Chemical Brothers
1999 - R.E.M., Manic Street Preachers, Skunk Anansie
1998 - Primal Scream, Blur, Pulp
1997 - Radiohead, The Prodigy, Ash
1995 - Oasis, Pulp, The Cure
1994 - The Levellers, Elvis Costello, Peter Gabriel
1993 - The Black Crowes, Christy Moore, Lenny Kravitz
1992 - Carter USM, Shakespear's Sister, Youssou N'Dour
1990 - The Cure, Happy Mondays, Sinéad O'Connor
1989 - Elvis Costello, Van Morrison, Suzanne Vega
1987 - Elvis Costello, Van Morrison, The Communards
1986 - The Cure, Psychedelic Furs, Level 42
1985 - Echo & The Bunnymen , Joe Cocker, The Boomtown Rats
1984 - The Smiths, Weather Report, Black Uhuru
1983 - Curtis Mayfield, UB40
1982 - Van Morrison, Jackson Browne
1981 - Hawkwind, Ginger Baker
1979 - Tim Blake, Peter Gabriel
1978 - None
1971 - David Bowie
1970 - T. Rex
What on earth do I pack for Glastonbury?
Yes to loo roll, no to Harry Potter sequel. Yes to a tent, no to your cat. To make sure you definitely have e v e r y t h i n g (unlike me, who in 2013 rocked up without a sleeping bag) then have a read of our comprehensive festival packing list.
What should I wear on my feet?
You can either be sensible like Jess Glynne who told us‘wear comfy shoes so you can shake your arse all day’ or if you have money to burn and give zero shits like Liam Gallagher opt for your nicest suede crepes, who told the Guardian – ‘Am I worried about the mud ruining them [suede shoes]? Nope because I've got fucking loads of pairs and I can just get a new pair. I'll put in a big dry cleaning bill for this.’
Where should I camp?
Check out where you would like to camp before rocking up (note
What food can I eat there?
You don't have to live on the wholemeal bread rolls you panic-packed just in case you starved to death and that you, due to unforeseen circumstances, have had to use as a makeshift pillow and have gone a bit green on the outside. Nope, you can eat like an actual king who then has plenty of energy for moshing and walking and moshing some more! Check out the best places for Glasto grub here.
What happens after?
I am about to give you a perspective sandwich that will make today feel less shoddy. Maybe you are having a bad morning, which involved spilling coffee down your khaki shirt from Zara and nearly boiling to death on the Victoria line. However, please take a moment to think about the poor individuals who clean up your tent debris, decaying chicken bap and bottle of sick on Worthy Farm.Previously, some of the cleaners have told us all about the horrors of cleaning up the Glastonbury aftermath. (Do not read, if this year that is* you* after your free ticket).
**Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
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Follow Aimee on Instagram: @aimeejakes
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.