There was a time, a time before social media, when you didn’t know what Christmas really looked like in any of your friends’ homes. That time is over.
It’s almost a cliché to say that Instagram is making you feel sad these days, it’s de rigeur to slag off social media. Everyone decries how terrible it is for our self-esteem and yet, still we scroll. It would be more radical, perhaps, to play Devil’s Advocate and write an article extolling the virtues of Instagram, praising it as unattainable and unrealistic escapism or defending everyone’s right to play a highlights reel to the few hundred friends, ex partners and vague acquaintances that make up their followers but no, I just can’t.
Why? Because, honestly, Instagram in particular has made the last couple of Christmases borderline unbearable. Seeing other people’s more aesthetically pleasing Christmas set ups has made me feel bad about my own and, frankly, I have worried about elderly grandparents being asked to pose over and over to get the perfect selfie.
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While I think that escapism isn’t just important but necessary, I can’t help but feel that there’s a difference between following cabin porn accounts which are truly escapist and being caught up in cycles of compare and despair with people you haven’t seen in months online.
I’m so pleased that your Christmas tree is perfectly decorated. Mine is a bit wonky and, even though it’s now basically Christmas eve I’ve been too busy to make the ironic DIY sausage dog angel I promised myself back in November. It’s wonderful that you’ve already got burgeoning piles of Pinterest-perfect wrapped gifts by your roaring fire place, I’ll probably grab some stuff in the sales on Christmas eve on my way home and pay to get them gift wrapped. Congratulations on managing to Instagram your turkey lunch before you ate it, I had my head buried in a bowl of roast potatoes and forgot. You get the picture.
If I remove my tongue from my cheek, there are some more serious reasons why I find seeing other people’s selected edits of Christmas a little difficult. Last year I couldn’t go home, my life is very not perfect and that’s OK because nobody’s is but, when you’re seeing projected perfection everywhere you look it’s easy to forget that.
Once again, this year, I am set to have a less than Instagram friendly Christmas. My grandmother is in hospital and things don’t look great. Of course, it’s possibly to find joy even in our darkest moments, but that doesn’t always necessarily translate into shareable #content. I fear my Christmas is about to be as instagrammable as checking my bank balance.
And so, it is after great consideration and much thought that I must say this: I really do think the greatest gift you can give yourself this Christmas is a revolutionary act of self-care that involves not looking at Instagram for a few days. Don’t try to choreograph Brussel sprouts next to a glass of champagne, don’t worry about the light next to grandad as he snoozes in a chair, don’t think about how your Christmas looks just live in it. Equally, don’t sneak into a story to see how your ex ex boyfriend’s Christmas looks. Trust me: you do not need (or really want) to know.
Social comparison theory is a very real psychological phenomenon. It hypothesises that we human beings determine our social and personal worth based upon how we weigh in against our peers. This means that we make valuations and judgements about ourselves – how attractive we are, how much money we have, how intelligent we are, how successful we are – based on how it looks like other people are doing.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. According to Leon Festinger, the social psychologist who proposed this idea back in the 1950s, it is the means by which we define who we are and, even, enhance ourselves because we are motivated to do better. Seeing what other people are up to can sometimes improve our self-esteem but this isn’t always true. It can equally damage and lower it.
You can post a picture of a pumpkin spiced latte if you want but all that does it let people know you’re drinking a pumpkin spiced latte. It doesn’t signify happiness, career progression or fulfilment, it says you dropped nearly 3 quid in Starbucks on a carton full of sugar. You can wear some Gucci loafers while you sit by an open fire, sure, but all it says is that you may or may not be maxing out your credit card. That's cool, you do you.
Festinger also proposed that those people who had recently suffered a setback or knockback would be more likely to feel negative about themselves through social comparison. This makes total sense, and there can be no doubt that this is compounded nowhere more than it is on Instagram. That said, we do this as much offline as we do online the difference, it seems to me, is that we now do it when we would previously not have.
When you’re sitting in your pyjamas on Boxing Day watching something terrible, do you really need to think about how that compare to what someone else is watching? Is your bad movie kitsch enough? Is it ironic enough? Is it obscure enough? Does. It. Matter? When you’re eating Christmas lunch isn’t it enough just to be there, with your family or whoever you’re able to be with, do you really need to feel seen by the Internet for that experience to be validated?
Aspiration is good and it can be powerful, we all need something to aim for, but the truth is that your life won’t always be constantly improving. Nobody’s does and it’s really important to recognise that. Perhaps this sound obvious but I really do have to keep reminding myself that Instagram isn’t real. It’s a version of carefully curated reality which, like others in the form of TV or film, it’s important to take a step back from and remain critical of.
There will be a lot about my Christmas this year that I won’t want to share but, even if that wasn’t the case, I would still be determinedly switching it off. Comparison is vital, it’s how we relate to one another but it shouldn’t be constant and consistent. For all our talk about self-care, for all the hashtags how often do we really say no to anyone or anything? To me, this Christmas, self-care will mean saying no to the status quo. It will involve putting up a boundary and trying not to look too much at what other people are doing because maybe, just maybe, it doesn't actually matter.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.