Work Christmas parties are a bit like a triple chocolate ice cream sundae. Inevitably, you are excited. You go wild, faceplanting the creamy sludge, wanting to inhale every last whiff (chocolate ice cream doesn't happen every day), keep going, going GOING. MORE MORE MORE. You ignore the sickness brewing in your gut and the judgy 'Er, you've had enough' pleas from your pals and soldier on like the people's blimmin' champ.
You are then left with a throbbing head, raging regrets and said chocolate ice-cream over your nice new white shirt for everyone to see. You can't take the shirt off. because. it's December and you don't normally go out in just your bra in the office. Your manager is pretty liberal but even she has a limit. So you just have to literally sit in shame with everyone's eyes boring holes into you until the 23rd. You swear to yourself you will never put yourself through it again.
Why oh why did you not spend your evening curled watching Westworld?! Chocolate is always nice when you think about it, but in reality smushed avocado on toast tastes nicer. Oh and doesn't leave you shaking, wanting to die.
Maybe I'm being dramatic, but I'm probably not. The potent mix of eggnog aplenty, pent-up passive-aggression of someone stealing your breakfast bowl, and that sudden bullshit philosophy that you're really good at twerking (you're not) is enough for you spend the next year ignoring anyone in the kitchen, whilst wishing for Mrs Death to hurry up and claim your body. BUT work Christmas parties can be fun, you just need preparation. With Chocolate Sundae's you just need elasticated trousers and a nap.
Preparation is key.
Who BETTER thanJamie Bloody Laing aka Made in Chelsea's loose cannon who drips charm, pizzazz and mischief where ever he goes. If it's a toss up between his hair or sunny disposition being brighter we wouldn't have a bloody clue mate! With his legend CV brimming with hard partying, hangovers and confessing to everyone he loves them, he is the perfect man for the job! Take notes guys! Biros a'ready!
Hi Jamie, we need your help with some Christmas party dilemmas!
Jamie: Of course... So easy!
We knew you'd be the man for the job. So first scenario... 'Help! I accidentally snogged someone I work with… How do I deal the next day when I’ve got to look them in the eye in the morning meeting?'
You fully pretend you blacked out. Deny to the end! ‘God wasn’t last night fun, it was epic!’ you say and be really confident with it. Pretend it never happened and rock it. Unless you fancy them! Then you say ‘oh so do you want to go photocopy something’ or ‘lets go have a coffee break in the loos’ [Jamie winks and The Debrief feels flustered.]
I accidentally slut-dropped and vommed in front of my boss… should I bring it up or should I breeze on in like I don’t have a care in the world?
Jamie: You say you had an allergic reaction and it’s not your fault. You have a really bad allergic reaction, which you forgot about. Whenever you slut-drop - you vommit. It’s not your fault. Or again you just rock it. Just don’t slip in it [the vommit] or that would be horrendous.
The Debrief: What about twerking? Should we twerk at our Christmas party or be more reserved?
Jamie: You should never twerk at your work Christmas party. I feel like the little shoulder is the way forward. I mean the bitchiness in the office the day, like ‘did you see so and so twerking…’. If you’re really good at it then go for it, but if not don’t. Reign that shit in! Don’t go fully twerking. Too much eggnog and people go crazy. Eggnog is disgusting. Eggnog is literally egg, mystery and a sprinkle of Christmas.
I forgot to get a secret santa present – is there anything I can fashion from office equipment that doesn’t look downright insulting?
You could offer up yourself. ‘You have me!’ I mean, highlighters are always useful. Or blutack. Or if you can find the rare whitetack then you can spread the love with that. My mum wants to do Secret Santa this year and the budget is £40, which is a pretty big budget. Everyone sits around a table and picks out numbers and number one goes first, but then the next person can choose to exchange the present they pick with yours and no one knows what any of the presents are. So number six can exchange with anyone around the table if they want. It’s like Deal or No Deal! Kinda cool right? If you see a really big one you can go for it. It’s fucking niche.
SO niche. Next up. 'Creepy dude from accounts won’t leave me alone at the bar. How do I politely tell him to ‘fuck off’'
A look is pretty powerful. If you give that really bad look. [Jamie gives a filthy look] [The Debrief tries to do one back] No, that’s too flirty! So do that, or fully tell them to fuck off.
The Debrief: What, but we work with them?!
It doesn’t matter. If can always say there was harassment there. Maybe call HR.
Help I drank the bar dry, I’ve been sick three times and I’m stuck at my desk with the hangover from hell. What do I do? What have you done in this situation?
Berocca and water and don’t eat! If you eat it can really send you down. Get something to look forward to do. Either flirting with someone… maybe the guy you hooked up with! Not the guy from Accounts!
Stellar advice! Thanks Jamie!
Watch brand new* In Bed With Jamie At Christmas* on the 26th December, 10pm on E4.
Like this? Then you also might also be interested in:
MIC’s Steph, Proudlock And Francis On Pret Orders, Regrets And Whether They Watch Themselves On TV
We Spoke To Made In Chelsea’s JP And Made Dicks Out Of Ourselves
Follow Aimee on Twitter @aimeejakes
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.