Excuse us if we’re feeling a little self-helpy, we’ve been listening to some podcasts lately. But if you’re willing to handle a bit of zen thinking life tips then read on. The other night, after winning his fourth Grammy of the evening, Sam Smith told the crowd and the world: ‘Just a quick one - I want to thank the man who this record is about, who I fell in love with last year. Thank you so much for breaking my heart because you got me four Grammys’
As well as it being pretty great that a gay guy can get on stage in America – where gay marriage is banned in 13 states – and talk about the love he’s lost, it’s, selfishly, great for anyone into Sam’s crooning soul. Because, well, without that heartache, he’d never have been able to make that music. Just like Adele, Amy Winehouse and Florence Welch before him, he’s basically broken America by saying ‘Hi guys, I’m sad, and loud, be gentle.’ He’s also successfully converted that horrible stomach churning feeling of rejection, instability and loss into a feeling of joy and celebration.
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But how do we, who haven’t necessarily been blessed with a soaraway voice or a record deal convert revenge into results?
We spoke to, Dr. George Fieldman, a Chartered Psychologist who has specialised in altruism (being nice to other people), to find out.
The Debrief: So, can revenge and anger be harmful if bottled up?
Dr. Fieldman: If somebody’s upset you and you feel an urge to get back at them, it’s rather like trying to give the other person a tummy upset by drinking a little poison yourself. It’s yourself being hurt by the bottled up feeling. Often these things – I mean conflict resoltion – it’s much better face-to-face rather than via email, people often write dreadful emails to each other, which makes things worse.
DB: What can we do to get out of those patterns of anger?
Dr. F: There’s some good research to show that being kindly to other people is good for one’s health, as well as the person you’re being kindly to. It’s a positive feedback loop, or a virtuous circle.
DB: People say that knockbacks will make you stronger. Is that really true?
Dr. F: It’s complicated. It’s mainly healthy to let it go. But if you take Rupert Murdoch [billionaire owner of everything from MTV to The Sun], his father was in the printing business, was very badly treated and you can see he was determined to get back at them. Perhaps he overdid it.
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DB: Is turning revenge into results any easier for women?
Dr F: What is great for women is they tend to be better talkers. They chew things over with friends and that’s a good habit. If there was any major decision that I decided to make entirely on my own, I’d be much more doubtful that it would be comprehensively the right thing to do than if I discussed it with a whole range of people I respect.
DB: The long and short of it?
Dr F: Bottling stuff up is an expression of inauthenticity and it’s not good to run away from something you feel, so if you feel that, a strong emotion or strong thought, determine the appropriateness of the thought that underpinned the emotions.
In our words? They’re just not worth your time, be nice to someone else instead, they might even be nice back!
Like this? You might also be interested in:
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.