The Golden Globes 2015: If Dresses Could Talk

I’m doing my very very best to stay very very VERY still and make sure lovely Rosamund’s vital bits are covered, despite my slightly precarious insy-winsy string straps. There might not be much of me, but I’m determined to make one hell of an impact.

I’m the right kind of dress to make Hannah look great, but not too stand-out and flashy. She’s already got half the world’s population giving her jealous evils for marrying Eddie. Between you and me... It’s no coincidence that I’m green.

Honey, I’m the sugar plum fairy of red carpet outfits. Check out my sweetheart neckline, poofy skirt and peplum. I’m like the girliest option for one of the girls, yep from Girls. Oh, did I mention I'm pink!

Just call me Ariel. I’m vibing off mermaid style and clinging to all the right places on Lana, while doing my best not to pinch her ankles and trip her up. Please don’t look too closely at my hem - I kind of look like I have fins.

No, for the last time, I’m NOT a wedding dress. Sure, I might be white, long and flowy and perfect for a beach ceremony at sunset, but I’m NOT a wedding dress. Just ask Mr Kors if you don't believe me! OK? Good.

Lena might have decided to delete Twitter for the night so she has a ‘safer emotional space’ this evening but I’m by no means a safe choice. I’m silky, I’m sassy, I'm Zac Posen and I match the carpet. I’m one sexy, sophisticated little number. I'M RED HOT!!

Get a load of me baby - I'm basically the most red carpet-ish dress you can get. I mean I'm scarlet, I'm ruffled AND I'm sparkly - and did I mention I'm Armani. Take that, wallflowers. You don't stand a chance.

'Try to be a serious dress... Try to be a serious dress... Try to be...' Oh sorry you interrupted my pep talk. I'm being worn by Hollywood's funniest woman so I have to work hard to be taken seriously. But come on, I've got a lantern hem and I'm covered in sparkles - I'm no sour puss - I'm here to have fun!

I'm gleamy and dreamy, working a Grecian goddess thing for Jessica right now. Sure, some people reckon i'm brown so I must be boring, but I prefer bronze, thank you very much. And I reckon I look banging with Jessica's copper locks. So there.

'Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Staying alive, staying alive...' It's disco time baby. I've got a column full of sparkles and I'm not afraid to use them. Come near me, and I will glint my Calvin Klein powers all over you.

I'm covering up basically one of the most beautiful babies that will ever been born. How many other dresses are doing that job tonight, HUH?! My wholesome butterfly print is perfect for a blooming momma, and check out my partner in crime - the butterfly palm cuff. We're nailing it.

I'm not sure I got the right memo for the dress code... Everyone else is a lot skimpier than me. Maybe I should have loosened up a little and allowed a little collar bone to show? Nah, I'm award nominated me. And I'm god damn Dior.

Erm... does no one else know this awards thing is like, a huge deal? Where's all your bling? Your razzmatazz? Your oomph? I'm sparkling with the power of a zillion silver sequins and bringing the boob tube back in one fell swoop. Ptsch. You lot are amateurs. Let me show you how it's done!

Boho Sienna is back. I've kidnapped her, put her in a time machine, and covered her in a world of noughties style embroidery. Only Miu Miu has the power to do that. Prepare for big belts and Ugg boots, soon to make a comeback too.

Ok so let me break it down for you. I'm not a dress. And I'm not trousers. And no, I don't have a tail. I'm a super swish jumpsuit with a giant satin bow. And I'm Lanvin. Come on, did you really expect Spiderman's girlfriend to pick a boring slinky number? I've got sass, sista.