Hooray! It
s that time of year when we find out what a weird and wonderful lot we all are, thanks to the relase of Google’s Annual Report.
Aside from finding out super depressing things like the most searched film of the year was *Transformers 4 *(anyone manage to catch that one? Nope, us neither), and that a lot of people were really worried about Ebola (hardly suprising), there was also some rather more telling findings from the report that came from the questions we’ve been asking the search engine.
Luckily, Google split up those searches into the top three searches by city, which means we can get a clear and very scientific* view of what the stereotypical dweller in each UK city is. Here’s our findings.
*Not scientific at all. In fact, almost certainly the opposite of whatever scientific is.
The Londoner
How to kiss
How to draw
How to meditate
The only logical conclusion: The Londoner is an insecure yet horny teenager with a thirst to exist on a higher plane, yet who also really wants to move to east London and be the next Kate Moss.
The Edinburghian
How to kiss
How to Skype
How to study
The only logical conclusion: A university student from down South who was stoked to find she’d blagged herself a place at Edinburgh Univeristy, only to realise she was now at least five hours’ train ride away from any other part of the country that she was familiar with –hence all the Skyping. Also, do boys like, kiss differently this far north?
The Cardiffian
*How to draw *
*How to watch *
How to plank
The only logical conclusion: She’s having so much fun on a night out that she doesn’t even care that her drunken antics stem from three-year-old memes. Also, gets so battered she has to Google how to do her hangover TV thing the next day. Wishfully arty when sober.
The Belfaster
How to shuffle
How to hypnotise
How to animate
The only logical conclusion: An off-the-wall creative with a penchant for vintage dance moves and the potential to turn evil mastermind.
The Mancunian
*How to crochet *
*How to draw *
How to knit
The only logical conclusion: Your nan.
The Loiner (Leeds)
*How to kiss *
*How to study *
How to Skype
The only logical conclusion: See Edinburgh. Southerners should probably check a map once in a while.
The Glaswegian
*How to kiss *
*How to draw *
How to hypnotise
The only logical conclusion: Again with the hypnotising? Are the Celts planning an uprising through mind control? Glaswegians are much like Belfasters, except they’ve got the horn, too.
The Nottinghamian
*How to kiss *
*How to hypnotise *
How to spell
The only logical conclusion: Unlucky in love, this girl’s tried everything to get her one true love to notice her, but to no avail. From her poorly spelled love letters to her Derren Brown-esque love mind games, nothing’s really worked so far.
The Cantabrigian (Cambridge)
*How to massage *
*How to shuffle *
How to decorate
The only logical conclusion: Big on the DIY scene, Cantabrigians are singlehandedly responsible for the career of interior decorator wunderkind Laurence Llewellyn Bowen. Afterwards, they like to dance and get nasty.
The Oxfordian
*How to paraphrase *
*How to draw *
How to crochet
The only logical conclusion: Likes to read highly intelligent stuff but doesn’t want to waste time explaining them to mere demi-intellectuals. Dabbling in arts and crafts in one’s room is a much more sensible option.
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Picture: Eylul Aslan
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.