Today is the first official day to wear a coat. Apparently. Which bright spark decided this, we’re not entirely sure, especially since we’ve been wearing a coat for the better part of the month. We're guessing 'coat guy' is probably the same dude that says you're meant to miserable on Blue Monday and horny when you're on your period. Either way, stop telling us what to do guy.
Anyways, you don't even need coat guy. You've been sartorially transitioning (worst word in fashion ever BTW) from autumn to winter by yourself for nigh on fifteen years now and you know the signs that winter's actually coming have nothing to do with whether you're wearing a coat or not.
READ MORE: We Try On All The Winter Pastels In Warehouse So You Don't Have To
Here they are.
Your coat smells like shit
Obviously your house being the teeny tiny mould infested box that it is, nothing’s going to smell all that fantastic after being stuffed in the top of your wardrobe for the better part of eight months, especially your winter coat that spent the months of November to March being dumped on the floor or various dirty pubs. Obviously dry cleaning is out of the question until you get paid so instead you’ll have to walk around emitting the faint smell of damp, booze and cigarettes, hoping nobody notices.
You've already played 'what’s in the pocket'
One of the small mercies of rediscovering your winter coat; what treats did you leave in the pocket at the end of last winter? Best case scenario it’s a tenner and that necklace you’ve been accusing your flatmate of nicking since April. Worst case, it’s an open ketchup sachet and a receipt from that stupid night you spent £45 on wine and then had to live on noodles for the rest of the month.
You have no tights
One small mercy of the colder weather; you can pack up your fake tan routine and send it on it’s merry way for the rest of the winter. Goodbye grubby mitt! In it’s place though comes the annual black tights war, in which you do battle with your tights drawer every morning only to find that instead of throwing away tights with holes in, you kept them all, just to make this process all the more enjoyable. You’re a fool.
READ MORE: This Slinky Backpack Will Brighten Up All Your Winter Jackets
Penis-head makes a less than welcome return
Since you’ve never figured out how to do the whole fedora thing (and now Jamie from Made In Chelsea has got one you’re pretty sure they’re dead in the water anyways) it’s time to revert to your trusty old beanie. The only thing is, you forgot how easily it rides up your head to create the very distinct and recognisable shape that is that of a male bellend. Like this.
Your feet are sad
Obviously this change in the weather requires a change in footwear. There’s no way you can continue to wear anything with a cut out without risking losing some or all of your toes to a healthy bout of frostbite. And so you buy a new pair; and get it completely wrong. Either you go cheap and find them out of shape and scuffed within three days of wearing them or you go for the better quality shoes and spent most of November with blisters. Either way, you can’t win.
Picture: Jason Lloyd-Evans
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
How To Rescue The Winter Clothes You Put In Storage Last Year
Your Winter Jumpers Will Look Ten Times Cooler With This Patent Leather Skirt
Follow Jess on Twitter @Jess_Commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.