The song titles for One Direction's album FOUR just dropped and everyone's going mad. Not many people seem to have noticed that pretty much all the titles can be divided into one of three categories: 'Names Of Fragrances' and 'Things You Say When Stoned' and 'Liam Neeson Film Titles'.
We've taken a look and figured out what each of these songs will be about (bar the bonus tracks), so you don't have to buy it. Unless you want to. In which case, please, don't let us stop you.
Ready to Run (Liam Neeson Film)
**The song: **Probably either about the fact one of them can't commit to a relationship and always have one foot out of the door, or a Snow Patrol-esque ballad where it's all 'C'mon baby let's get out of this place' and they all sing about running away with their girlfriends to get away from the 'fight' and 'life' and 'those who are bringing us down' and if there was a music vid it'd have a lot of sitting and looking out of windows being really sad. Then 1Ders would gif ones of Liam where it looks like he could be crying and caption it 'OMG LITTLE BABAY I CANT EVEB' (typo intentional). *
The Liam Neeson film: Someone kidnaps his wife/daughter and he has mere days to get them back. But all is not as it seems.
Steal My Girl (Early Liam Neeson Film When He Was Partial To A Rom-Com)
The song: Presumably not an instruction, but more of a powerful lament for the time one of the 1d boys had their girl stolen. Not literally. Like, their heart. Basically, Zayn remembers a time when Perrie looked like she was dancing with this other guy in a club, but she wasn't. And for that moment he was so mad. This song is intended to highlight how Liam, Harry, Louis, Zayn and the other one (Neil) will fight for their girls. I'm joking, I know it's Niall. It was a joke.
The Liam Neeson film: It's an instruction, so someone steals his wife/daughter giving him mere days to get them back. But all is not as it seems.
*Where Do Broken Hearts Go? *(Things You Say When Stoned)
The song: A sort of Backstreet Boys Tell Me Why-heee type song, where the boys have been metaphorically shat on by a girl, oddly all at the same time, and don't know which way to turn. They just want to get over it, but because they're so sensitive and they loved all these girls so much, they just can't.
The context for saying this when stoned: You've been dumped, you're smoking a joint at 3pm in mismatched pyjamas and you've got ice cream stains on the thigh part of your bottoms. You say it to your flatmate and start crying.
**18 (Name Of Fragrance) **
**The song: **Either remembering how easy life was when they were 18 (a la Lily Allen's song 22 or that really old one that goes '19, you're only 19 for god's sake hoooo you don't need a boy-frie-end'), or crushing on a girl who is 18. Again, all of them are doing this simultaneously so they must be in some sort of Freshers' Week night out at Tiger Tiger in Newcastle or something.
The fragrance: Woody with a hint of vanilla. Black bottle, white font.
READ MORE: What Liam Payne Can Teach Us About Being Fat-Shamed
Girl Almighty (Name Of Fragrance)
**The song: **I mean your guess is as good as mine. This sounds a bit like a terrible straight-to-DVD animated movie, but is actually a really loud and powerful ode to girls and how great this one girl is and how she's making him lose his mind and find himself. By 'him' and 'himself' I mean all of them, again. They've all found a girl who has changed them and they've begun to get her confused with the Lord. Perhaps she's a vicar. It's unclear.
The fragrance: Light and airy scent you get from Boots that costs £3.99
Fool's Gold (Name Of Fragrance/Liam Neeson Film)
**The song: *Oh mama this is about fame and money, you guys. They've got all this wealth and cool clothes and adoration and wealth and huge bank balances and so much money, but what does it all mean? Sometimes all they want is something meaningful. You can't buy meaning in life, and as Liam, Harry, Zayn, Louis and Noel have found out, money really is just - wait for it - Fool's Gold.
*I know his name isn't Noel.
The fragrance/The Liam Neeson film: Earthy tones with top notes of bergamot/Liam finds some gold ingots in the boot of a car and has only mere days to give it back. All is exactly as it seems.
Night Changes (Things You Say When Stoned)
**The song: **Have you ever noticed that sometimes the light hits her face and she looks different? That there's a sadness behind her eyes as dusk settles and the sky goes from orange to black? The boys have, and they want to tell you all about it.
**The context in which you'd say this while stoned: **Have you ever noticed that sometimes the light hits your mates face and she looks difference? That there's a sadness behind her eyes as dusk settles and the sky goes from orange to black? Tell everyone at the party about it. Go on, they'll be really interested.
No Control (Liam Neeson Film)
**The song: **Well we've all seen the One Direction boys go a bit off the rails from time to time. Remember when Harry was sick at the side of a road and it definitely wasn't a hangover? Remember when Harry was sick on stage and it definitely wasn't because he was drunk? Remember when Zayn and Louis definitely weren't caught smoking a joint on camera? And when Liam got a bit fat? Hey, sometimes they feel like they don't have any control and things are slipping away.
The Liam Neeson film: He is trying to get a member of his family back, but is chained to the steering wheel of a car and doesn't know how to drive. Some things are as they seem, some things aren't.
READ MORE: Harry Styles' New Girlfriend Gets Death Threats From 1D Fans
Fireproof (Things You Say When Stoned)
**The song: **Yeah they might be out of control sometimes, but they're also fireproof. As in bulletproof, but with fire. They couldn't call it 'Bulletproof' because it sounds too much like they're being shot at and their fans might get worried and die.
The context in which you'd say this while stoned: To be yelled just before you put your hand in the flame of a candle and give yourself first degree burns.
Spaces (Liam Neeson Film)
The song: Because there's no way of telling what this song is about, my mind wandered and I just noticed that this album is called FOUR. Not five. So OK, which one directioner is about to leave? My guess is on either Harry (so he can pursue a career of manbuns and socialising) or Nell (because he's the one everyone sort of forgets). Noll. Knee? (I know what his name is).
The Liam Neeson film: Pick one from any of the previous examples of potential Liam Neeson films and add in a sidekick called James who adds some comic relief.
Stockholm Syndrome (Name Of Fragrance)
**The song: **One of them is feeling like they have to leave the band, because they hate it and feel trapped, but at the same time they're also oddly attached to it so might never leave. A lot of Swedish 1D fans got overexcited and thought they were talking about Sweden so, to put it plainly, Stockholm Syndrome is where the victim of a kidnapping forms an attachment to their kidnapper. Maybe this is also a thinly veiled allegory for, like, fame. And being wealthy (see also: Fool's Gold).
The fragrance: Very pungent and steely. Perfect for Winter and Autumn.
**Clouds (Name Of Fragrance) **
**The song: **I bet it contains the word 'soar'. This is where the boys are dreaming of soaring above the clouds and away from all their worries and problems. Maybe with a girl, maybe not. Look, I've totally run out of inspiration here.
The fragrance: Cloudy, floral and sickly.
Well. I think we've all learnt something today.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.