In today’s unexpected news, three girls may have been found with stolen Rolex’s in their vaginas. Weird right? Well, turns out women have been using their noo-noo’s as bespoke storage units for years. Behold, a list of the maddest things that have been found up women’s foofs. And yes, ‘prosthetic eyeball’ did make it onto the list. And ‘foof’ is a legitimate synonym for vagina. As is ‘noo-noo’.
Explosives
In Russia, a football hooligan came to watch the beautiful game with a firecracker up her ladyparts. Then, in X-rated Looney Tunes style, she shot it out of her vagina at the goalkeeper. Russian police say that loads of women transport flares and firecrackers into stadiums by slipping them into condoms and sticking them where the sun don’t shine (their faffs), so it’s just a totally normal accident. Could have happened to anyone.
**A rolled up poster **
After complaining about severe pains in her abdomen and crotch area, a woman featured on the BBC Three show Bizarre ER was told that doctors had found a rolled up poster of Donny Osmond in her vagina. Presumably she’d been using it to have a bit of fun and, er, forgotten, but while her memory leaves a lot to be desired, you can't fault the woman for creativity. And paper cuts.
A ridiculous amount of drugs and money
Sure, sticking a crackpipe up your hoo-ha is doable (if hard drugs and vagina storage is your thing), but what about 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags of heroin and $51.22 in both cash and change from what is, most likely, buying the aforementioned heroin? The American 27 year old stored so much stuff in her vagina that we’re not even freaked out. Just impressed by the strength of her pelvic floor (coins?!).
A mobile phone
Pretty standard when you think about the shape, and compare it to a firecracker (see above), but after this Romanian woman was arrested for stealing the phone from a restaurant customer, the police only figured out where she’d hidden it when her vagina started ringing. If that happened in a Judd Apatow movie you’d roll your eyes and be all ‘that would never happen in real life’ – but it did. The victim didn’t want the phone back afterwards, if you’re interested.
**A loaded gun **
Alright mate, come on now. An Oklahoma woman was arrested for drug paraphernalia, but the police noticed she had something in her vagina. And it was a handgun. A loaded handgun. She had methamphetamine bags in her arse, but who cares, let’s just consider this for a moment: the woman tamponned a loaded gun. Words have failed us.
**A prosthetic eyeball **
An ER doctor once saw a woman who kept a prosthetic eyeball in her vagina ‘for safe-keeping’ after getting into a fight and not wanting it to get broken. Wouldn’t it be great if someone created a means for carrying items on your person without the use of a bag? Like, maybe an added flap of material? We could call it a plocket? A flopit? No, you’re right, that’s mad. Let’s just keep using our vaginas.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.