A man in Dublin recently advertised a room for rent that was only available to a 'sexy adventurous dame to share bedroom and body'. Sure. While the Dublin-based digs were a steal at €290 (£230) per month, the real cost (i.e. sharing a bed with a self proclaimed 'sexy, outspoken and laid-back gentleman') was a bit too steep - and the ad was taken down pretty quickly.
But there's plenty more where they came from on Gumtree. We cruised the site for flatmates you should try and avoid. After all it's all about reading between the lines…
The Totally Stable Guy
He writes: 'If you are looking for a flatmate who will be making you laugh when you want to talk to, who will be invisible when you want to stay alone, who will bring you a cake when you are in bad mood, and who will be the person who never refuse a party on Saturday night when all your friends get sick. Here I am!'
He means: I will sit at the foot of your bed holding a cake every night before stealing your pants and wearing them on my head whenever your friends come round because I think I am invisible. Also we will be best friends. I've made you a necklace. Take the necklace. Why aren't you taking the necklace? Why are you crying?
The Happy Europeans
**He writes: **'Nice double room for single person is available to let in very happy 4 bedroom young European flatshare.'
He means: We're all really high.
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Fun Craig
**He writes: **'I work in marketing during the week - looking for somewhere fairly quiet during the week - but enjoy having a laugh with friends and/or flatmates at the weekends. Also enjoy cooking, travel cycling and playing tennis as well as watching the occasional film.'
He means: I'll stay in my room for most of the week and also most of the weekend watching The Big Bang Theory, because it's really funny. Let's go to the pub bi-annually so we can discuss what travel cycling is and all the different bikes I've ever seen. A blue one. A red one. I own 40 of each.
**The Dubious Landlord **
**He writes: **SHORT TERM! NO DEPOSIT! Spacious double room! Easygoing flatmates! All bills included!
He means: This is perfect until you move in and discover the state of the flat. Unfortunately we didn't do an inventory and there's no deposit to be paid because we run a money laundering business so you're on your own love.
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**The Musician **
He writes: 'I am really into music and spend a lot of time listening to it and rarely watch tv. I play drums in a band but don't worry I wouldn't expect to play my kit in the house/flat unless there was provision for it to be set up. I have practice pads which are quiet and would not upset anyone.'
He means: YOU CALL THIS LOUD? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO F*CKING PRACTISE THEN? YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT ART IS, OBVIOUSLY. YES I'LL MOVE OUT.
**The Shy Student **
He writes: 'I'm a little shy but i love hanging out and meeting new people . I'm an easy going and tidy daydreamer and music is one of my biggest passions.'
He means: I'll stay in my room constantly, and you'll never hear any noises coming from there which provokes you to believe I just sit on my bed staring at the wall. Which I do. When you suggest we go for a drink, I will sit silently and smile at you. I'll make three equally shy friends who giggle every 3 seconds. I will eventually move out without telling you and it'll take three weeks for you to notice I've left.
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Follow Stevie Martin on Twitter: @5tevie
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.