A great man once said: 'You spend all of Freshers' Week making friends, then the rest of university trying to get rid of the friends you made in Freshers' Week.' I don't know who that man was – or whether that's a legit phrase – but anyone who has been through uni will be nodding sagely right now.
So we spoke to life coach Lucy Sheridan to get the lowdown on how to go about losing those Freshers' Week Friends (FWFs) without causing loads of drama. Why? Because uni is the time to drink Jägerbombs, broaden your mind (academically and, erm, otherwise) and get to know a whole host of different people. Not sit in the corner with Kerry all night every night and leave having only spoken to Kerry because Kerry was the first person you met at that Dress As A Nun Freshers' Bash in Tiger Tiger. Oh Kerry.
'No one wants to be unkind, but you get one shot at that first time at uni, so you don't want to be stuck with someone you hate,' says Lucy. There are a load of ways you can go about losing a friend in 10 days (or any amount of days), but the best way is the Phase-Out. 'It's the kindest way for each party, as an ultimatum might be damaging.' Think about it, we've all been the clingy one at some point in our lives so if you find yourself stuck with someone – give them the benefit of the doubt. They're probably just nervous about uni and desperate to make sure they have a good friend to help them through it, rather than maliciously attempting to wreck your social life.
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'Take it with a pinch of salt – school and the run-up to turning 18 isn't always an easy ride so people at uni are looking to develop true friendships, which can come with quite an intense energy,' explains Lucy. 'It's similar to when you're dating someone. First you're having coffee, then suddenly it's dinner and the weird feeling that you can't go to a party without either inviting them or checking in with them first.'
The Phase-Out comes in stages, and begins at the very first moment you start socialising – yep, how you go about trying to make friends will send out signals to other people that no, you're not the sort of person who is on the market for one very intense friendship. Which, in the long run, will ensure you have a better uni experience. 'If you have a large, varied group of friends, you'll have people to suit all your moods and interests, a variety of study partners, and the ability to hide away if you're feeling like having some alone time. Your time will become your own, rather than tied up with someone else's schedule,' says Lucy.
But how do you send out this message on that very first night out partaaaying in some club with sticky floors? Do unto others what you yourself would like to be done to. (Or whatever the Bible says. I'm not a vicar). 'Spread your time as evenly as you can. Talk to as many different groups of people as possible, because if you're known as the person who is open to making new friends and talking to different people, that sends out the message that you're up for being a friend. Just not the friend,' explains Lucy.
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So you've flitted like a social butterfly, but you're still stuck with a group of people who make you want to punch walls. Next step: join a club they'd never be interested in joining. 'As much as you're meeting people and hitting it off quickly, things massively change once you've started going to different lectures and settling in. Imagine you're really into rowing and hung out with people in the first few weeks who aren't. Once you start hanging out with the rowing crew, you'll see your social life change. You might find that things will phase out quite naturally!'
Failing that, it's worth being direct without being a massive bitch (in the literal sense). Seriously, going around bitching about how annoying Kerry is and how she won't stop following you might be tempting, but what if Kerry hears about it? You'll feel awful and have cemented a reputation as being a prick. 'It's important that communication comes from you.'
Another way of telling someone they're in your face and need to back off is the more roundabout approach – saying: 'Hey, I'm going to be seeing other people later, do you want to catch up later on in the week?' because you might not want to break up altogether.' That, and it ends out a pretty clear signal that you've got other people you like hanging out with, so they might want to do the same.
'It's about not over-committing to people. If people are assuming, for example, that they're going to be your right-hand person at all times, you need to be clear on what you expect,' Lucy advises. 'You're going to lunch and then, say, going to the gym. Tell them you'll see them in the evening, to make it clear you want some time alone.'
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Your time is your own at uni, so there's no point having someone monopolize or guilt trip you into doing stuff you just don't want to do. 'Just because they want to be with you all the time, doesn't mean you do - don't let them influence you. Don't miss out on going to those socials and nights out without them' says Lucy.
Basically, be kind and gentle but also firm. Stick to your guns, and do whatever the hell you want to do without causing too many tears/fights/general social pain. 'We can't sort other people out, we can just be supportive friends. You can manage how much you see people without having a big sitdown conversation, and while I always advocate being clear about things, this is a pretty sensitive issue. If you want to hang out other people, make sure you do - and that you don't invite them to everything.'
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Picture: Lukasz Wierzbowski
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.