Tinder; the home of the young and bae-less. An app allowing hotties to essentially tell you are fit all day and discard ‘notties’ with the flick of a finger sounds perfect for any twenty something year old in need of an ego boost, a lay or both. But if you’re a woman of colour, a few swipes in it can all start to feel a lot like an episode of ‘white guys say the darndest things’.
We all know Tinder has its fair share of douches, but there’s nothing like some race-based dickishness to remind you that despite the smartphones, people are still pretty stupid. My relationship has kept me off the app, but from the constant string of complaints my mates make about life as a black woman in the Kingdom of Tinder, it doesn't sound like I've been missing out on much. From arbitrary rap song references to excessive use of the word ‘booty’, they've had it all, and I've convinced (read ‘bribed’) a few of them to talk about their (equally bizare) experiences...
I’m tired of being called a ‘Nubian’ princess or exotic all the time
You’ll be called some variation of ‘exotic’
For a ‘post-racial society’, race sure is brought up a lot on Tinder and funnily enough, it’s rarely by black women. Black skin on dating sites will have dudes talking about you as if you just vine-swung your way here from a jungle, when you’re actually from Surrey. ‘I’m tired of being called a ‘Nubian’ princess or exotic all the time,’ sighs my friend Grace when I ask her how she finds it.
FYI; Calling someone exotic that probably grew up down your road and isn’t wearing a Tutti fruitti hat or coconut bra isn’t very complimentary, but is very ignorant.
**READ MORE: Things You Only Know If Your Boyfriends Black And You're Not **
There is an ass fascination on Tinder regardless of its actual size
Black women’s Tinder bio’s should really include ‘Warning; ass’s in avi may appear less like Nicki Minaj’s than your preconceived notions on black womanhood had hoped.’
‘The other main comment I get is that I must have a “big black ass”,’ explains my friend Dionne. ‘The other day, someone started a conversation with me by quoting Kanye in Run This Town, claiming it looked like I've “got an arse that would swallow up a g-string.”’ Just charming really.
Black women aren’t selectively bred for hip hop videos and fulfilling racist fantasies.
Yes; some black women have spectacular bums but I can assure you, guys with that attitude certainly won’t be benefitting from them. Sorry to disappoint Tin-dudes but black women aren’t selectively bred for hip hop videos and fulfilling racist fantasies.
Guys on Tinder will make it clear when they’ve been with black women before…
Guys on Tinder will bang on virtual drums, declaring that their love black for women in the shittiest ode to anything ever, often to a load of black women who just want to get back to some regular raceless sexting. Saying you love black girls is as flattering as saying you love women with noses or earlobes. It’s just skin, honestly.
‘Someone’s opening message to me on Tinder was: “It's true, once you go black you don't go back”.’ Grace says. Obviously – that person did not get a response back.
Paula is no fan of these declarations either: ‘It's in no way a compliment or flattering because we're far more complex than our ethnicity.’
…Or haven’t
‘I’ve never been with a black girl before.’ a Tin-duh brain will cyber smirk. What exactly is the appropriate reply to that? ‘Same here! Another thing we have in common! Let’s bump that up to 11 shared interests!’ It’s supposed to be the Open Sesame of Tinder land- you tell a black woman you’ve never been with a black woman before and she climbs through the charger hole of your iPhone and starts twerking on your dick. Except it isn’t and we hate it.
‘I guess it's cool to eventually find out, but we just don't think it’s necessary to be told when we've first started talking.’ Paula says. ‘Guys say “I've never been with a black girl, can we have sex so I can see what its like?” They go on to say they've heard black girls are really good or “freaky” in bed.’ Dionne adds.
Black women aren’t a great movie you’ve just got to see or a great place to eat out (steady!) Most black women really couldn’t care less if you’ve been with a black woman before or not. It’s not going to make you any more or less compatible with her because you’ve been with ‘one of her kind’ before. At best, it means you will know the rules about hair-pulling in the bedroom if she has a weave. At worst, it means you will never shut up about it.
There are clearly guys who think sexual prowess is comes on some colour coded chart, where the darker the berry, the better you are at deep throating.
And why they want to…
Like our allegedly long dicked black brothers, black women have been sexualised to the point where literally just having brown skin can be enough to give some fetishizing local dude a semi. There are clearly guys who think sexual prowess is comes on some colour coded chart, where the darker the berry, the better you are at deep throating.
‘I feel like if guys understood that it doesn't help them at all but instead just damages their game they would stop. But they think they're being smooth and that's the sad part, explains Paula - another friend who's found herself on the receiving end of some pretty dubious compliments on the dating app. ‘They think we're going to feel blessed that we fall under this category to fulfil their fantasy.’
You’re randomly asked on your thoughts on all white guys
‘Do you like white guys?’ Nah, hate them. I literally just swiped right on this dating app solely to tell you how unappealing white men are to me.
READ MORE: Tinder Tourism, Like Snogging a Random Over a Fishbowl Cocktail In Magaluf Only Better
If a black woman didn’t like white guys, she wouldn’t have matched with a white guy. And she can, the same way any Tin-douche can (help. I can’t stop making these Tinder based puns), like different people of different skin tones simultaneously. People can have types and preferences, sure, but if you haven’t asked her what her favourite colour is yet, there is definitely no reason to quiz her on her favourite skin colour either.
‘I'm also asked if I prefer white guys or black guys. I wonder if they ask white girls the same question,’ says Grace. ‘I just like men!’
Tinder romance can quickly turn to racism
Women have long become accustomed to being dubbed a bitch for politely declining to trade a topless shot for a picture of some randoms flaccid penis. For black women however, when things turn sour that bitch is often prefixed with ‘black’. ‘I've only had one guy try to use my race to attack me,’ Dionne recalls. ‘When I refused his sexual advances he called me a “black bitch”.’ Racism is complex; dating a black girl doesn’t mean a guy won’t use the very thing that attracted him to her to degrade her the next moment.
This guy messaged me right off the bat saying he’d always wanted to taste some chocolate
Being referred to as a foodstuff is standard practice
‘This guy messaged me right off the bat saying he’d always wanted to taste some chocolate,’ Paula says. ‘Apparently, he sent the same message to another girl I knew who is also of colour. I guess that's his go to line.’ Popular culture teaches us that white skin is the default, so therefore brown people are in reality, brown white people. We’re just chocolate dipped white girls, literally born for the amusement for Tinder guys. Seriously: we’re walking, talking Kinder Bueno.
‘Guys always refer to my skin as if it's an object- usually a food stuff. I’ve had “sweet chocolate skin”, I've even had raspberry!’ Paula elaborates. Aside from thinking raspberries are brown, this guys biggest issue is trying to commodify a skin tone. Little does he know, when most black women tell his type to ‘eat it’, they mean something else entirely.
It should really go without saying; black women are just women. They’re on Tinder for the same reasons as everyone else; to meet new people, flirt, and screenshot cringey messages from creeps for the girls group Whatsapp convo, not constantly talk about their alleged skills in bed and cocoa flavoured skin.
So to any Tinder guys out there whose already typing ‘Hi there Beyonce ;)’ to an unsuspecting black girl, for your sake and hers, please don’t bother.
Follow Yomi on Twitter @sittingwitty
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.