Boasting about ones sex life is something that’s traditionally associated with men. It starts at school, normally. Many of us have a tale or two about that boy who lied to his mates about you havingsex with him at a house party the week before your GCSE’s (it was the week after, actually). But I've realised that something shifted in my twenties and now it’s my female friends - my single female friends - who are over-egging their sex lives. I have one friend in particular who is now so boastful that I’ve had to say something to her.
A few weeks ago on a Monday morning, this friend - let’s call her Charlotte - called me at 7.36am. 7.36am! Any phone call pre-11am for this girl can only mean one of two things; someone’s died or she’s still up partying from the night (or two) before.
'You won’t fucking believe what I did the other night.'
'Go on.'
'I had a threesome! With my BOSS!
'You wh-'
'AND HIS WIFE.'
'Umm, WOW. Oh. Err. Was it fun?'
'Yeah! Of course! Yeah, it was fun. Really good fun.'
'Umm. Was that a good idea?'
'Umm. Yeah! Yes. It was. I mean, err. It probably wasn’t was it? No it wasn’t. Oh fuck.'
'Oh love.'This behavior is classic from my friend Charlotte. CLASSIC. And I’ve learnt, through many years of phone calls like this, that she only acts in this way when she’s having a nightmare in some part of her life. I’m not sure if Steve Jobs was referring to sexual partners when he said, ‘you can't connect the dots looking forward you can only connect them looking backwards’ but either way, it works as a concept for life and sex.
READ MORE: Have You Met My Friend, The Horrible Horrible Drunk?
I’ve realised that over the years, the times when Charlotte's been at her most sexually active, are the times when she’s been most depressed or insecure in herself. Like Tarzan swinging through the jungle from vine to vine, Charlotte swings through single life, jumping from cock to cock whenever she’s upset. And she’s not the only one. This neediness, this desire to create self-worth by gifting our bodies to another person is fairly commonplace amongst single women I know (whether they admit it or not).
She only acts in this way when she’s having a nightmare in some part of her life
A male friend of mine who worked with a girl whose weight fluctuated more than nineties Oprah, said her level of flirting with him was directly related to her waistline. I’ll explain; when she was bigger, she would flirt outrageously with him. One time even luring him into the disabled loo to give him an awkward blow-job (a man in a wheelchair was waiting outside when they came out). When she was thin, she literally wouldn’t give him the time of day, let alone send him Snapchats of her rack. These wildly inconsistent ways messed with his mind for about a year - until it had happened often enough for him to work out the pattern; when she was bigger she felt more insecure and therefore put herself out there on a plate for him and when she was thinner and happier in herself, she didn’t need him or his approval. What a fun game! For neither of them!
If you choose to let another human inside of you, you are (hopefully) in control of the situation. So yes, I can see why that would give you a sense of empowerment, and I can see why a girl like the one I just described would want to ‘use what her mama gave her’ to gain some sort of sense of control when she was feeling rubbish about herself or her weight. I understand this because I’ve done it too. I’ve had sex with people that I probably wouldn’t have had sex with had I been happier, and I know I myself have worried a few mates over the years with my escapades - which is why my friend Charlotte should bloody listen to me.
The thing is, however, is she’s absolutely adamant that she’s not doing that. She thinks she’s in control. It’s reached the point where I’ve said to her she should keep a diary so she can write down how happy she is each day, and then she can then directly compare that to how many guys she’s sleeping with. And then present it to me in a graph on a PowerPoint presentation.
Ok, maybe not the last bit.
She should keep a diary so she can write down how happy she is each day, and then she can then directly compare that to how many guys she’s sleeping with
I want her to do that so she can see that those days when she’s spent a whole day crying and texting me from her bed - a pit of old cereal bowls and old knickers that would rival Tracy Emin’s bed - often end in a night where she leaves me a whispered voicemail from some guy’s bathroom saying she’s just had ‘the best sex ever.’
READ MORE: I Told My Friend She Sleeps Around Too Much And She Slut Shamed Me
That’s a fucking coincidence, isn’t it? Because the last time you were miserable and sad all day and hated your life THE SAME THING HAPPENED. You went out and got laid and had ‘the best sex ever’. And did that change how you felt in the sober cold light of day? No. It bloody didn’t.
In an ideal world, when we’re single, we’d have a number of like minded ‘go to’ friends who we could scratch our itches with. But, that’s hard to find. And, us girls do tend to add emotion into the mix, even if it’s just a sprinkling on top of a big sex sundae. What I want to say to my friend is, if you are having sex with strangers (or your boss and his wife) to numb the pain of something else in your life, you should phone up your friends and talk through what’s worrying you, not to boast about the sexual positions you did last night. I want you to stop using sex as a veil for your unhappiness, because that can only end in trouble. But on the other hand, if you’re having lots of sex, you’re happy and you’re in control… go forth and fuck my friend. And feel free to call me in the morning with the details.
Like this? Then you might also be interested in:
Follow Emily on Twitter @MIss_EBP
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.