It begins with Binky on a boat, and worryingly, she’s steering. Perhaps all posh people are automatically nautical. Alternatively, it’s a bit like when Lindsay Lohan does a ‘DJ set’ - she has an iPhone and some speakers, and there’s someone else out of sight doing all the technical bits. Mark Francis is also on the boat, and in his element. ‘Ah, the wind in one’s hair…I have a hairdresser that prepares one’s hair for every occasion,’ he tells Rosie, who is not wearing the windswept look quite as well. ‘I can’t wait until the wind blows in the other direction,’ mutters Rosie, darkly.
We learn that Alik has a dog called Buddy - if Lucy bought Digby the dog from Harrods, we hope that Buddy came from Saks, if not Henri Bendel. He tells Louise that Jules is seriously into Rosie, implying that he wouldn’t care if the wind took her hair right off. Jules turns up to confirm this. ‘Is she looking for something exclusive?’ Maybe not a relationship, Jules, but perhaps some sort of limited edition hat.
And Spenny and Biscuits are showing off their apartment balcony, which handily overlooks Chelsea market. This adorable coincidence could get very confusing for the bois. ‘We don’t have a balcony,’ sighs Lucy. ‘Well, are you going to get one?’ replies Spencer, because spending thousands of dollars and investigating town planning regulations to alter a rented building during a four week holiday is a totally normal thing to do. Lucy is anxious about Spenny’s burgeoning relationship with Billie. ‘You can’t treat Billie the normal way you treat girls,’ she explains. Lucy, it’s not the way Spenny treats girls that’s the problem. It’s usually the sheer volume of girls that causes an issue.
Stevie is also keen to put the moves on Billie, but he’s not doing anything to help himself by bumping into her during a rollerblading session. It’s hard to explain Stevie’s outfit, but I’ll try. Basically, he looks like he might be harbouring a Sonic The Hedgehog pencil case in his back pocket, and he’d have a massive key chain attached to some baggy jeans if his mum would only let him. Still, Billie’s pal Carson has no business trying to make him lose the helmet. Safety first! Billie discovers that Spenny lied about being gay - so hatches a plan to set him up with the homosexual Carson, for an hilarious prank. Luckily Carson is too beautiful to care that the producers think his sexuality is a suitable basis for a massive LOL.
Biscuits bemoans the fact that Mytton hit on Tara, and as Riley rightly points out ‘You do this to girls all the time, why is she so special?’ So far, that’s the only allusion to their shared history, suggesting that either she’s extraordinarily forgiving or the storyline is just getting a bit too complicated. Anyway, Biscuits feels bad about how things ended with Mytton. ‘I told him to go home. So he went home.’ Yes, Biscuits, it’s a real shock. Spenny is banging on about Billie, but back in the park, Billie is telling Carson that she’d go on a date with Stevie, shin pads and all, if he’d only ask…
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Stevie’s getting his goofy spirit out of his system, during a trip to the High Line. ‘We’ve been meeting a lot of rappers,’ says Proudlock apologetically to Riley as Stevie starts to bust some beats. It’s less Doctor Dre, more ‘Doctor, I appear to have got my penis stuck in the Hoover as a result of a fluke nude cleaning accident.’ Someone who will never feel the need to go fully five boroughs is Mark Francis, who almost gets himself run over by a series of yellow cabs to attempt to prevent Victoria from eating a hot dog. ‘Listen, I didn’t…um, I needed a little refuel,’ explains a shocked Victoria, who would presumably be less embarrassed if Mark had caught her masturbating in the middle of the Central Park turtle pond. Victoria tries to persuade Mark Francis to ‘do as the New Yorkers do’ and eat a fried onion. Shrieking, he darts back into the middle of the road. That man would rather be street food than eat it.
Biscuits remonstrates with Spencer and demonstrates his limited command of the English language, crying ‘My shaver had all your beards in it,’ before accusing Spenny of shaving his pubes. But Biscuits is in need of a beard - Carson has arrived, and he’s looking for action. ‘He’s better looking than I anticipated. Bit shorter,’ announces Carson, as Biscuits blushes and stammers. ‘I’m not gay, unfortunately. I wish I was.’ He seems tempted. Watch this space. Stevie is marginally more successful than Carson - he asks Billie on a date, and she says yes! There’s plenty of angry, lingering staring from Spenny, shot beautifully in Amaro - the angry filter.
Spencer asks Billie out again, but he’s not the only visible cock - Binky’s sister Anna Louise has arranged some birthday life drawing for the girls. ‘I haven’t seen a dick in ages,’ she hoots. Dude, you’re not supposed to laugh at them. Not being funny but I have a little more sympathy for Alex if you pissed yourself every time he took his trousers off. The conversation turns to Jules, and Anna Louise explains that in NYC, everyone is dating three or four people at any one time. ‘But Jules isn’t shady,’ claims Louise, just as Jules is kissing another woman thoroughly on the mouth. ‘How was your date?’ he asks Jana, the snoggee, or, to use the correct terminology, primary partner. That’s right, he’s poly! Let’s face it, he’s too pretty for monogamy.
Stevie has a dreamy date planned. He’s taking Billie on a romantic row boat picnic surprise. It’s all dead cinematic until Stevie crashes into another boat and asks Billie if she knows what a cox is. Still, he brings Pimms. ‘I don’t really know what it is,’ he confesses, before adding cucumber, strawberries and apples. Billie, if you’ve got to pick one of these guys, bear this in mind. One suspects it’s safer to drink an unidentified substance from Stevie than from Spencer. However, the Pimms does a trick, and Billie goes in for a proper smooch. In your (oddly hamster like) FACE, Spencer Matthews.
We discover that Biscuits wants to break the American market with his Candy Kittens, and that Binky’s idea of heaven is a sea of chicken jalfrezi. ‘I love curries. The low fat ones,’ she adds hastily, a bitter blow to anyone at home who has started dreaming of their own special Korma heaven.
Rosie, Jules, Alik and Louise go rock climbing. ‘This is not attractive! NOT attractive!’ screams Rosie, as Alik appreciatively, but pervily, eyes her from below. ‘Hubba hubba! Talk about the view, huh!’ I’m going to be charitable and assume that he learned about what English ladies like from Benny Hill. When the Americans learn that Rosie and Louise have just been drawing penises, they volunteer to strip for some more art. Personally I would have thought that once you’ve seen one set, you don’t need any further information in order to accurately doodle cocks and balls all over your stationery, but I’m not an artist.
Anna Louise has organised a final birthday surprise for Binky. They’re in a club, waiting for the surprise to emerge from a balcony. It’s going to be someone AMAZING. Maybe Madonna. Or someone even better, like…Gabriella, or, as some bitchy characters christened her in series one, Kate Mush. She’s singing Empire State Of Mind, or possibly playing it through a concealed horn she nicked from the Statten Island ferry. ‘OH MY GOD,’ shrieks Binky, and it’s impossible to tell whether the expression on her face is one of joy or dismay. We learn Gab is now living in LA, and appears to have grown by about 36 inches.
Spencer is in denial about Stevie’s snogging activities, and makes a beeline for Billie. ‘Look at your little paws. Do you find it difficult to do normal things? Like handjobs?’ he adds silently. He tries to get Billie to tell him about the date using ninja-like, subtle tactics. ‘So, do you prefer bikes or boats?’ Billie agrees to a second date just as Stevie turns up. Spencer makes it clear that he’s not taking the snogging lying down. ‘When I want something and pursue something, I always get it,’ he warns him. He will not rest until he is the only one who can neg poor Billie about her tiny hands. Spencer may think he sounds like a legendary lothario, but he’s less emotionally evolved than a toddler in a supermarket. We’re backing Team Stevie!
Hero of the week
It’s a little leftfield, but we’d like to celebrate Anna Louise, who is going above and beyond when it comes to services rendered to little sisters. Admittedly some of her surprises are better than others - random naked man, good, being serenaded by Gabriella - perhaps less good. But Binky is getting back to normal, and we think AL can take 110 per cent of the credit. Huzzah!
Villain of the week
The Chelsea set have been relatively well behaved, so let’s give this gong to Alik, whose date idea was basically an exercise in upskirting. Alik, it’s gone beyond a gentlemanly appreciation of the female form when you start to need a tissue to catch the drool. And we hope it’s just drool. Who knows what you’re getting up to in your own home?!
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.