LOL @ all you Glasto goers. Rain is forecast for Friday. Heavy rain. Suckers.
Sorry. We didn’t mean that. Please forgive us. We’re just sad we’re not going. We hope you have a really great time. Honest. And you will, you definitely will. No-one has a bad time at Glastonbury. Apart from this girl. But there will be some tough moments to face.
Here are the highs and lows of every festival you’ll ever go to.
Waking up the morning of with a song in your heart and joy on your face
FINALLY the big day’s here. All that’s between you and a weekend of fun, fun, fun is a tiny little car/train journey. No biggie, right? Ten hours later as you crawl snail-like down the A39, two bottles of wee in the back and a bunch of mates who drank all the tent booze early and passed out, you start having second thoughts. The pissing rain doesn’t help either.
Putting up a tent correctly
Bear Grylls ain’t got nothing on you sister! Tent poles are IN, guy ropes pegged DOWN, sleeping bags rolled OUT and snack ’n’ booze storage corner MADE. You’ve even got a sassy torch dangling from the ceiling as a make-shift light. It’s a home away from home. Two days later, your tent’s not looking quite as neat but it’s definitely still liveable. Until you wake up to the sound of a drunk man pissing on the side. Way to find out it’s not waterproof.
Opening your first cider
Tent up, sun’s out, time to pull out that first beautiful cider. Now to chill out while you wait for the music to start/lie back and lol at all the suckers still arriving finding they have no choice but to pitch up by the long drops. Thirteen hours later when you’re puking your guts up into said long drop, you’re struggling to remember why you ever liked cider, or drinking for that matter, in the first place.
Making new friends
HAHAHA look at this guy! He’s got a dinosaur costume on AND two Strongbows taped to his hands. He looks like he knows how to have a good time! Let’s totally go and see Skrillex with him, ironically! Not so fun? Finding out that he hasn’t lost his friends at all, he just doesn’t have any. What he does have though is a massive supply of crack cocaine. Things get dark really quickly after that.
Watching the headliner you’ve been really excited about
Can you believe it, guys? These vintage rockers are like, seminal. It’s not until they start playing that you realise downloading three of their songs to your iPhone on the day before you left in no way makes up for ignoring their 40 years of back catalogues. Three hours into the set you realise you only know the song they’re playing now because you remember being 15 and telling your dad to turn it off so you could listen to Mis-Teeq instead. Oops.
Leaving
Thank fuck. It’s been fun but four nights in a field with as many hours sleep is fucking stupid. What kind of idiot would put themselves through that? Much less *pay *for it. Luckily, you can be home in your own bed in just a few hours. Or so you thought. Eight hours later you wearily lay your head down on the train platform after queuing outside in the pissing rain for four hours only to be informed that flooding on the track has cancelled all journeys north for the near forseeable future. Enjoy!
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Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons
Picture: Getty
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.