Knowing what to pack for a summer holiday is like psychological rocket science. You have to predict your own emotional moods - what will you feel like adorning your body with when sunburnt/hungover/tired? - which is nothing short of impossible, as well as fit within Sleazyjet's miniscule baggage allowance.
Unavoidably, there are always pieces that you end up taking on holiday and when you get to the vacation destination of your choice, you open your bag and think: why. the fuck. did I pack. THAT. Especially when you've thrown everything in together when drunk.
Here are 10 things that you are bound to have a WTFDIPT moment about. We hope that this list may help prevent you from making those same annual mistakes, this year. But there's no guarantees.
A thong
Why do we immediately assume that just because we have a tan and the vista's really pretty that we're suddenly going to feel like putting a piece of cheese wire between our buttocks. Yes, that linen dress may be pretty see-through but just pack some seamless knickers. Thongs give you thrush and no-one deserves that kind of punishment when they're trying to get off with the Tunisian waiter within a very tight timescale.
A hairdryer
Are you MAD? It's hot enough without a hairdryer. Jesus, woman.
High heels
It's a legal requirement (apparently) that every place you go on holiday must have a ridiculously unstable cobbled area in the vicinity of alcohol. Five cocktails later and your 4 inch strappy heels have become an actual murder weapon. You end up wearing your pretty but non-lethal 2 inch block sandals for the entire holiday and giving your perilous ankle-breakers the stink-eye every time you spy them taking up valuable space in your wheely suitcase.
A leather jacket
The plane is cold. The airport's probably a bit chilly. England itself - quite possibly chilly. But after that? Probably not chilly. Which means the leather jacket you packed is not only entirely unecessary, but takes up so much space in your suitcase that it stops you being able to buy all the tempting and super naff trinkets that you've totally set your heart on. When you return from holiday and forget the lure of the tat, you're slightly grateful for this - but all the same, just take a jean jacket and be done with it.
Anything silk
God, silk is delicious. And it looks so good with tanned skin. It is also expensive, easily stained by suncream and moisturiser, crinkles like a bitch and has to be hand washed. Save it for when you're back from holiday and want to show off your tan.
Nail polish
'I don't have time to have a mani/pedi before I go to Greece,' you think ruefully. 'But it's ok I shall just buy myself a new pistachio shade - looks like catsick on my skin tone right now, but will look fantastic with a tan - and do it when I get out there.' Yup, sure you will. Especially after the cabin pressure makes your nail varnish partially explode all over your wash bag and the bit of nail varnish that is left goes all gunky because you forget to put the bottle in the fridge when you get there.
Anything with 'boning'
Not as in man/woman version - you should definitely endeavour to do some of that on holiday. But anything with boning in the bust, like a basque dress. That sexy dress with an in-built corset feels like sandpaper on your burnt boobies. All you end up wearing the entire holiday are kaftans the size of the bell-tent you took to Glasto. So seriously, don't bother this time.
Separates
Ooooh, how cute is the matching co-ord? Yeah, it's cute. You also don't wear it. When you're trying to keep the number of clothing items to the bare minimum (your boobs are sweating, your hands are sweating, even your ears are sweating) you're always going to opt for a dress (one piece) over a co-ord (two - duh.) Pack loads of dresses and some shorts to wear with a bikini top and the rest of the separates can stay at home in the dark.
A cut-out swimsuit
You saw Abbey Clancy in one. You saw Candice Swanepoel in one. And then you bought yourself a sweet-ass, cut-out, lattice back, plunging front swimsuit. It's a five-man party in a swimsuit. There's so much going on with it that you're still discovering new details. Riveting as that is, it is not the maker of a great tan. You'll be covered in miniature patches the colour of dairylea cheese from where you've circumvented the sun. Stick to a one-piece, or a bikini. The regular tan marks are enough of a buggar as it is.
A massive make-up bag
Foundation slides of your face and bronzer is, let's face it, pretty unecessary. All you end up wearing from your entire make-up bag is your mascara. You definitely could have left those 38 eyeshadows at home. Those visions of intricate blending were, let's face it, misguided.
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This article originally appeared on The Debrief.