It's a cruel mistress this summer business. One moment you're sunbathing in the park and the next you're huddling three deep under a promotional umbrella from Barclays, begging for the bus to hurry the F up while you get pelted with raindrops the size of your fist.
This morning, as we made our miserable way through puddles and soaking wet commuters, we came to the inevtiable anual realisation (albeit a bit earlier this year) that summer is not a season in Britain, and no flurry of new sandals or BBQ recipe books is going to change that.
Here's how things normally pan out…
March
There are patches of snow still nestling in some shadowy areas and a healthy frost on the ground, but look at all the lovely clothes in the shop window! Pastel crop tops, platform sandals, sheer shirts, sunglasses…. Probably not good for right now, *obviously, *but the models don’t look cold and it’ll only be a few weeks (a month, at a push) until you’re leaving the house without a coat on. Worth snapping up a few new outfits up now before everyone else jumps on the trend. Come that first sunny day, you’re going to look FLY.
April
You’ve had one weekend of unseasonably excellent weather and the whole world’s gone mad. In fact, that BBQ was so fun last weekend that you’re splashing out on a charcoal grill instead of bringing your next BBQ vibe down with those trashy disposable ones. Sadly, the weekend’s warm weather didn’t impact massively on your pasty white legs, so it’s off to Superdrug to buy a vat of fake tan. Your limbs are going to need it if you’re going to get them out this week.
May
Turns out fake tan in the rain wasn’t such a good idea. Neither was going tight-less and coatless. Originally, you imagined you looked like a brave early pioneer of summer but, once you made it into the office, you realised that in fact you mainly looked like a knob. A wet, streaky knob. Must stop trawling weather sites until you find a forecast that suits your needs.
June
It’s been pretty fucking chilly, if you’re honest, and that summer salads recipe book you got hasn’t actually been in use yet. Last night, you had a jacket potato, followed by soup. While wrapped up in a blanket. Because what douchebag turns the heating on in June? Even if it is 5 degrees.
July
The papers are promising a July ‘heatwave’ and a hosepipe ban. The tabloids have started recycling pictures of pretty girls sunbathing from last year and the old ‘Don’t take public transport without a bottle of water’ message has started popping up again. Because your faith in humanity isn’t quite at nil point quite yet, and you’re generally an optiminstic person, you believe what people are saying and prepare accordingly. Mainly by purchasing a new dress. Now to play the waiting game. In which you wait. And wait. And erm, wait.
August
Fuck summer. You know what I mean? You wait all year for something and then it never shows up. Even if it suddenly got really, really hot right now you’d stay inside watching re-runs of Ren And Stimpy and you don’t even like *Ren and Stimpy. *But if summer’s got to learn somehow that it’s got to behave better and it’s cruel viscious game isn’t going to achieve anything – pull the curtains, light a fire and stick two fingers up to the sun. From now on, we’re all about winter. Bring on the snow.
Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.