Apparently 65 per cent of Americans eat at their desk. Um yeah. Obviously. It's the best thing in the world. Let's weigh up the alternatives. You could head to the kitchen or park and make awkward conversation with your colleagues about other colleagues and what you're doing that weekend/what you did last weekend, depending on which side of hump day you are. OR you could plug in your headphones, whack on some Solange and get back to what you were doing right before you decided to break for lunch – scrolling aimlessly through Reddit for yet more proof that Nicholas Cage is a vampire who's nearly 150 years old.
Here's how to own being a sad desk luncher…
Eat the most pungent thing you can possibly find
In a good way, though. This excludes fishy foods. No one likes a fish whiff. Instead, get something meaty, tomatoey and with a hint of garlic. Eat just after everyone's finished up their lunches and gone back to work to create maximum jealousy among the members of your office that love food and hate their jobs. AKA that knobhead Jim in accounts.
Make your food look mindblowingly incredible
It's all in the presentation. Those fresh parsley leaves and sundried tomato-stuffed olives really add to the aesthetic of the whole thing. All it takes is one person to say enviously, 'Wow, that looks amazing,' and you've pulled off the ultimate coup for a desk-lunch winner like yourself. Even if you are spending a fortune on giant Israeli couscous from Whole Foods every day.
Take a full lunch hour
Hey, it was in that contract you signed way back when. Have they kept up their end of the bargain by promising you they'd think about getting Wotsits in the work vending machine? Hells no. Fight back by putting your feet up, kicking back and streaming last night's Game Of Thrones straight from your work computer. What can they do? It's not illegal – this is something in the industry that's merely classed as 'frowned upon'.
Shut down anyone trying to interrupt 'you' time
What is it about eating lunch at your desk that makes people think they can come over and chat to you about budgets when you're mid-sandwich? Do they chase down the crew that headed off to the park nearly 45 minutes ago to ask them when they can expect that report? No. To combat this, build a file fort around you – easily constructed by items found in the stationery cupboard. The more intricate the construction, the less likely people are to breach it.
Assume the position of news broadcaster to the office
You know, what's not annoying when everyone has gone back to work but one person's still on their lunch? When that person tells you about everything they're finding out on their lesiurely trip surfing the old world wide web. Miley Cyrus wearing a crothcless mankini? Deffos worth a mention out loud. An unnecessarily long video of a baby being stroked by a sloth? Make your co-worker that sits opposite come over to your side of the desk and watch the whole thing – assuring them the 'the good bit's coming up'. Fun for all the family.
Follow Jess on Twitter @jess_commons
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.