We’ve all done it before: scrawled, on a dog-eared sheet of paper, a list of all the people we’ve ever slept with. We can’t remember all of their names, especially the conquests that pre-date Facebook. Names might signify long-term loves or a barely memorable one-night stand. But, despite Russell Brand’s best efforts, very few of our sex lists will contain the names of celebrities. But then again, we're not Lindsay Lohan.
Lindsay’s alleged sex list, revealed today by In Touch is 36 names long, and according to the magazine’s sources, was written by a drunk Lindsay and a friend in January last year: ‘They were giggling and talking shit about people in the industry… It was her personal conquest list. She was trying to impress her friends with the list and then tossed it aside.’
Now that we’ve seen the list we have a whole host of questions – these are the most pressing…
Who’s on the list?
PC Valmorbida – a 24-year-old gallery owner. Nope, us neither.
J Pheonix (sic) – This is supposedly Joaquin Phoenix, the grizzly-bearded actor.
Lukas Haas – An impish actor who’s mates with Leonardo DiCaprio and has a song called Lindsay (it might be about his sometime-girlfriend Lindsay Lullman, though.)
Nico Tortorella – an actor and model she's been linked to only this year… which means this supposed sex list can't have been written in 2013, surely?
Evan Peters – American Horror Story actor. Emma Roberts was arrested for allegedly biting him. But all's good; the two are now engaged.
Wilmer Valderrama – from That ’70s Show, plus some other stuff. He's not exactly shy when it comes to talking about Lindsay, and is now dating Demi Lovato.
Jamie Burke – model and ex-boyfriend of Sienna Miller and Kate Moss. Well done him, right?
Jamie Dornan – Played a mannequin-bothering serial killer in The Fall, used to go out with Keira Knightley. He's currently filming scenes as Christian Grey in the adaptation of little-known mummy porn novel Fifty Shades Of Grey.
Zac Effron (sic) – Him from High School Musical. Don’t worry, he’s a bit more grown up now.
Justin Timberlake – We didn’t expect this. Presumably him and Jessica Biel are having a rather terse conversation right this second.
Colin Farrell – that one from Ballykissangel. OK, fine – that one from Alexander.
Heath Ledger – Sob
Ryan Rottman – Nickelodeon star who had his DUI charges thrown out of court, prompting some commentators to suggest he had the same judge as La Lohan. Maybe that’s how they met.
Max George – him from The Wanted.
Guy Berryman – the only hot one in Coldplay. Just to clarify, this is not Chris Martin.
James Franco – the fuzzy-cheeked renaissance man who re-defines 'pretentious' every full moon.
Adam Levine – Maroon 5 front-man, always looks and sounds incredibly pained when singing.
Garret Hedlund – the sexy actor in On The Road, who co-starred with Lindsay in 2007’s Georgia Rule.
** ****Is it really Lindsay who’s written it? **
The last time we saw Lindsay's writing was during her infamous 2010 stint in the courtroom. Besides painting the nail of her middle finger with a miniscule ‘Fuck u’, she wrote a lot of meticulous court notes in red pen. We’re not handwriting experts, but her employment of the all-caps could match the two. Then again, anyone impersonating her could have simply imitated her writing… then again, her dad Michael has said it's 'not even her writing'.
Why did she write it?
We’ve checked where Lindsay was at the time this sex list was alleged to have been written. On the morning of 30 January 2013, she was in court facing one of her various legal problems. It’s also the day that her half-brother was born to her estranged dad Michael. We’d probably want a drink after a day like that. She was photographed leaving Dan Tana’s restaurant in LA, but she didn’t exactly look drunk enough to leave her sex list lying about at a hotel. Oh, and she was with her mum, Dina Lohan, and only went to the Beverly Hills hotel after being refused by two others. What a day!
Who are the scrubbed out names?
We don't know, and even if we did, we couldn't possibly tell you... according to In Touch, some of them are married, or with other women.
Why aren’t any of her out-and-proud exes on the list?
OK, so Lindsay might not have had sex with Aaron Carter, they were young when they dated, after all. But what about Calum Best, who she was totally seeing him for a while? Or Sam Ronson? Or Harry Morton? Or Riley Giles, the man she started seeing while she was in rehab? It just doesn’t wash that they wouldn’t be on the list because of legal reasons
Did she really hook up with Justin Timberlake?!
For legal reasons, we couldn’t possibly say. As far as our research can tell, they’ve never even been photographed together…
Did she really hook up with Heath Ledger?
This allegation is pretty old, Lindsay’s mum Dina made it way back in 2009 in a phone call to her dad.
Who was her number 5? (we discovered today that the fifth person you sleep with is likely to be The One…)
PC Valmorbida – remember, the gallery owner? No, us neither.
Follow Sophie on twitter @sophwilkinson
Picture: Getty
This article originally appeared on The Debrief.